Why are there no horror movies about astronauts dealing with a werewolf on the moon? It’s such a perfect setup.
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Doctor: Let’s take a look at your chest shall we
Pirate: No
Art: Stop it.
Life: *mockingly* Stopp iiit.
30% of Satan’s workday is responding to accidental summonings caused by predictive typing.
Me: Wanna high five with our hearts?
Teammate: For the last time. It’s called a chest bump.
excusing myself in the middle of a date to go to the bathroom and baby-wipe down my whole body. to keep it weird.
Thanksgiving prep with mom is great for my self esteem:
Why aren’t you helping me??
*starts to help*
You’re doing it wrong! Let me do it!
Seasons are confusing in Los Angeles. Time to pull out my winter sundress.
PR MANAGER: It’s bad, boss. The picketers are getting a lot of support.
OUTSIDE:
🎵 Oompa Loompa, Doopity Doo!
A livable wage is the least you can do!
Oompa Loompa, Doopity Dow!
When do we want it? We want it now!🎵WILLY WONKA: Ugh, why did I get them vocal training?
I had two mice from the local church at my door last night.
They wanted to talk to me about cheeses
Interviewer: How do you define success?
Me: Being able to buy bacon when it’s not on sale.
“If you are fat you will die,” said the thin ppl, who would never die.
me the second I feel that first breeze of autumn
Every grocery store has a manager, a clerk, and a person standing in front of the spices learning how alphabetical order works for the very first time.
Having now listened to the entire song, I have to say there’s some obvious internal disagreement as to what the Hokey Pokey is all about
My inside joke with my boyfriend is that every time he thinks a tweet is about him, I’m like, “it’s not about you, it’s about my other boyfriend!!!” And my inside joke with my other boyfriend is exactly the same
Apparently, I just ate 39 servings of Tic – Tacs.
Why am I like this?
#Shipping #Ecommerce #SmallBusiness #USPS #ShipDude
I would thrive as a castle guard. Leaning on my spear. Leering at wenches. Move along. Hail citizen. Halt. And so on
This green smoothie tastes like God wants me to be fat.
Banana: I’m not ripe yet
Banana: I’m not ripe yet
Banana: I’m not ripe yet
Banana, whispering at 3am in the morning: i’m r i p e
Banana at 8am that morning: HAHAHA I’M ROTTEN BOOOOOOOOY, WELCOME TO BROWN TOWN.
waitress: *showing me around the restaurant* welcome, is this your first time?
me: no no I’ve eaten food before
⛄️
Men and women can be ‘just friends’ if one of them is a ghost.
Letting my son turn the pages when we read together so he’s more engaged with the story and also because sometimes he accidentally skips pages.
octopus = 1 octopus
octopuses = 2 octopuses
octopi = 2 roman octopuses
octopodes = 2 greek octopuses
octo-potus = president of the octopuses
I hope people who faint in public know that they’re making things super awkward for the rest of us.
I love how there’s just no social rules at the airport. Wanna sleep on the ground in public? Cool. A shot of tequila and beer at 7am? Right on, normal stuff. Also the dogs are cops.
I hope I never meet the girl of my dreams because she’s a thirty foot half witch half crocodile who chases me endlessly through darkness.
Did you dream of me, baby?
-Are you a swimming pool full of Lucky Charms & milk?
No, silly.
-Then no.
Cop: Tell me again why there’s a guy in your trunk.
Me: I told him he would look good in it.