This meal prepping shit is easy
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Take the road less traveled. Like, the one with the most mud, or the wettest grass, even if there’s a sidewalk nearby.
-Kids
I successfully avoided the red-eye flight and got the much milder pink eye flight.
9 out of 10 people agreed this meeting could’ve been a group nap.
The 10th one banned me from asking questions at future meetings.
My 7yo has three aunts. He calls them Auntie Ice Cream, Auntie Lego, and Auntie Pam. Time to step up your auntie game, Pam.
My wife left me for a fisherman.
Poor guy’s still reeling.
Texted daughter “I’m going to take a nap” and autocorrect changed it to “come inside and scream like a banshee.”
Slugs are obviously snails that have been through a divorce.
Save a horse, ride a wave of anxiety.
After buying my limousine, I couldn’t afford a driver.
All that money and nothing to chauffer it.
Weird how we never hear stories about ghosts with mullets, hair spray or huge Afros that haunt people. It’s always those 19th century pricks
Psychologists say that sleeping naked can help boost a person’s confidence, but nobody in this bus seems to appreciate it.
My husband sent me a text that said…I love you, but have something gross to tell you. I can tell it’s going to be terribly romantic.
The writing is on the wall, or on my teen’s arm because I needed to write down a number and couldn’t find a piece of paper.
[looking at pics]
Where’s that?
-Hawaii
Where’s that?
-Jamaica
Daddy where was I?
-You weren’t born
Why’s the folder called ‘Good Ole Days’?
[2 days into diet]
Gluten: come back baby I promise I’ll change
Just overheard two coworkers knocking Scooby Doo for its loose plot holes and I told them that they’ll “never get away with this” and they didn’t get it.
“Do you know what female deer are called?”
“Does”
“Sorry – does you know what female deer are called?”
[duck is quacking] damn dude that duck is in SERIOUS disrepair [sprays wd-40 into duck mouth] [duck starts chirping like nightingale]
Liquor store clerk: I’m gonna need to see some age verification.
Me: *makes dial-up internet sound*
Badminton implies the existence of Goodminton and Alrightminton.
When I die, please bury me wrapped in a sheet. That way I won’t have to look for one when I become a ghost
*8YO arguing*
Me: I‘ll call Santa, right now and tell him…
8YO: Well I’ll call the PTA to volunteer you …
Me: You win
5: Lucas said he would give me $100 if I go to his birthday party. But I would go for free. But I didn’t tell him that.
Me: I have nothing left to teach you, my child
I want to buy a Prius because I plan on driving off of a cliff & I don’t want to make too big of an explosion & kill squirrels or turtles
How do girls remember every word of an argument? I don’t remember what I had for dinner and I’m eating it now
Daughter: dada what does nocturnal mean?
Me: it means active at night.
Daughter: like Batman?
Me: yes like Batman.
Daughter: dada?
Me: yes?
Daughter: am I nocturnal?
Me: [clock says 2 am] yes you are.
Daughter: am I Batman?
Me: what?
Daughter: [Batman voice] I’m Batman.
I only sleep on one side of my bed because the clean laundry sleeps on the other.
My kid: Did you know that you can see your own nose, but your brain chooses to ignore it?
Me: Kinda like how your brain chooses to ignore the mess in your room?
[baker’s school admissions test] what number comes after 11