I want my house spotless but kicking my kids out seems wrong
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Fire inspector, “Do you have any enemies?”
Me, “lol do you have a pen?”
she FINALLY texted me after 16 hours now i will make her wait 45 seconds
My dog always pees against trees when we walk through the neighborhood
I do it one time and now I need bail
I was led to believe my middle ages would involve more jousts.
Starting a conga line is a great conversation ender.
I’m taking part in a scavenger hunt. I have already killed twelve scavengers
Sam: Welcome to Multiple Personality Club.
Sam: No one else is here.
Sam: You’re here.
Sam: I’M YOU, STUPID!
Sam: OK EVERYONE CALM DOWN!
If you think $1mil/yr is “rich,” guess again! Look at my monthly expenses.
$22k rent
$6k 24/7 manservant
$2k gourds (decorative)
$4.5k jewels, myrrh
$10k ballooning & balloon upkeep
$7k magazines
$9k condor egg omelettes
$11k misc unguentsI’m barely getting by.
My exes dying words were, “you’re obviously in one of your moods”
There’s this dude who every day jogs past my house. He seems to be getting slower. Tomorrow I’m going to stand outside and blast ‘Eye of the Tiger’ to give him some incentive
My favorite part of Star Wars is when the angry guy was like “call me daddy”
I love when actors brag about being able to cry on command like that’s some kind of major accomplishment sweetie it’s called being alive in the year 2023 of our lord.
Who decides which tweets go viral and which ones don’t?? I have been putting out quality content for YEARS and I’m starting to understand how Leonardo DiCaprio felt waiting for his Oscar.
I love putting on warm underwear fresh out of the dryer. I also love to look around the laundromat and guess who they belong to.
My grandma used to tell me that video games were bad for me while she drank her gin in a cloud of unfiltered cigarette smoke in her home that was made solely out of asbestos.
Why did the chicken go to the gym?
To work on his pecks.
Sean Swordd: mighty
Sean Penn: mightier
There are at least 5 bearded guys on here that I think I’m only following because I thought they were the same person.
Having a tattoo in a hidden place is really just entertainment for the coroner.
Who called it a muzzle and not a hush puppy?
Hey girl are you a new high efficiency dishwasher because you’re so quiet it’s hard to tell if you’re turned on
“Jessica wasn’t usually dead. So when we found her dead we immediately knew something was wrong.”
-Investigation Discovery
Victorian photographers like “Okay we have a two deceased relatives propped in chairs package or our popular one deceased, multiple poses plus family pet package. We can include coffins but the trend now is to have some fun capturing pics where it’s unclear who’s actually alive”
[Nightcap]
Me: *giving tour* and this is my room.
Her: It’s….a….nice.
Me: Let me stop you there. The He-man sheets are purely decorative and in no way a reflection of my prowess in bed.
When your chip basket is empty and your server’s busy.
STOP. PUTTING. DIARRHOEA. MEDICINE. ON. THE. BOTTOM. SHELF
I carry tumbleweed so I can let it roll across the floor during awkward silences.
me, disguised as a lamb: *into earpiece* target is headed to school
spy hq: none suspect you, right?
me: roger
spy hq: keep her in sight
[later]
teacher: mary, does your lamb follow you everywhere you go?
me: i’ve been made
spy hq: abort mission! ABORT!! ABORT!!!
[brain surgery]
SURGEON (secretly a zombie): fork
ASSISTANT:
SURGEON: …over that scalpel
If you send her a message and she doesn’t reply in six months she is probably thinking about it