Her: what’s your favorite position
Me: devil’s advocate
Her: i meant sexual position
Me: but what if you didn’t
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Absolutely insane clap-to-blink ratio
thinking about parking in a garage downtown just to get some validation
*in the front row of a James Blunt concert raising a sign that says THANK YOU every time he sings the words ‘You’re Beautiful’
{Couples Counseling}
THERAPIST: Tell me what you love most about each other.HER: He’s so kind.
ME: If we don’t have cheese she goes and buys cheese.
VERY ANNOYED. My enemy keeps playing Hulk Hogan’s theme song b4 I enter rooms. People then expect Hulk Hogan & are disappointed when it’s me
Watching Celebrity Jeopardy must be stressful for the people who run the charities. Imagine missing out on $30,000 because Christopher Meloni doesn’t know his state capitals.
I guess my least favorite author is probably Hitler
optimus prime: [doing standup] i just flew in from new york and boy are my arms tires
Lionel Richie: hello.
Adele: it’s me.
Lionel Richie: is it me you’re looking for?
Adele: I was wondering if after all these years you’d like to meet?
Lionel Richie: holy shit *covers phone* now what the hell do I say?
Me: I prefer telling outside jokes.
Coworker: Don’t you mean inside jokes?
Me: Not to you
I woke up in the middle of the night and wrote “dentists are liars” into my phone. Not really sure what the plan is with that.
I just read an article about a man swept out to sea during a baptism. I guess that’s God’s Way of saying “Nope”.
The worst thing about being struck by lightning is knowing you deserved it
NEW! “How to Act” DVD by Kristen Stewart!
In love:
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Uncertain:
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Just married:
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Pregnant:
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Dead:
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Does a UFO remain an UFO once you identify it as a UFO?
The hardest part about raising a centaur baby is having people know you banged a horse.
I think my wife has been moonlighting at the north pole. That is only explanation for why her feet are so cold when she gets into bed
I don’t like who I become when an online form expires in the middle of me filling it out.
Remember, your neighbours aren’t going to be attacked by killer bees on their own. You have to want it. You need to make it happen.
I hope you catch the bouquet at my funeral.
What’s the normal amount of pall bearers for a hamster’s funeral?
“I drive like lightening.” “You drive fast?” “No. I hit trees.”
I made my kids some Simba shaped pancakes, but my 2yo wouldn’t eat Simba and she started crying. I felt like a savage telling her to eat simba, so I cut Simba’s ears off, I realized my mistake when I saw the horror in her face, and now everyone is traumatized.
11yo: Mom, can you look at the sky? It looks flat.
Me: That’s because it’s not real. You’re in the Matrix & they’ve got a second rate programmer on tonight.
11: Never mind.
My sister in law got my daughter a doll that sings and blows bubbles and I can’t wait for revenge. I mean my niece’s birthday.
It’s sad that a few fake Nigerian princes have ruined it for all the good Nigerian princes who are just looking to wire 24 million dollars.
Cooking is easy if you’re single as long as you have a mom, leftovers and a microwave.
I TRY to shoot all of my garbage into outer space, but usually it just lands in my neighbor’s backyard.