person: can you keep a secret?
me: I’ll never share what you say but it will weigh on me and negatively affect my life
person: oh thank god
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Thanks Facebook for letting me know Bobby from kindergarten and Bobby’s two hacked accounts all have birthdays today
In Soviet Russia a bar walks into men. The case of the man-killing-bar remains unsolved.
Them: What’d you scrape your chin on?
Me: A chiseled jawline with a 5-o’clock shadow.
Me: *holding a baby* How do you reboot this thing?
Thank so much for putting the empty cereal box back in the pantry. Now I get to have disappointment for breakfast..
there will never be a funnier headline than this one
Placing quotations in “different spots” really give others the “false idea,” especially when I’m talking about their “wife.”
Everyone is exhausted by the pandemic, except my neighbor’s dog who has been barking non-stop since 2016.
-Your house is amazing. Why are u renting this cheap?
-It’s haunted by a low level demon
Demon: Wow I’m right here that is like so hurtful
I wish I could replace my central nervous system with a central confidence system.
I’m tempted to start throwing glitter at people who refuse to wear masks. So sorry it got in your mouth and up your nose, I bet a mask would have prevented that.
[cop trying to cuff me] Stop. Doing. Jazz. Hands.
007: the name’s bond…james bond
me: nice to meet you bond james bond
007: just james bond
me: bond just james bond
007: no my full name is just james bond
me: nice to meet you just james bond
007: you know i can legally kill you
me: no, never met him
007: *draws weapon*
wife: you need to do more around the house
me: can you change the subject please?
wife: yes, this house needs more work done by you
[1st date]
HER: I like a guy with good Southern values
ME: [trying to impress her] I was raised by penguins
Me: My first wife loved this movie.
Wife: I AM your first wife!
Me: And you love this movie, DON’T YOU?!?
Birds are dinosaurs? No. I want dinosaurs here or I want them completely gone. I don’t need a bullshit imitation dinosaur to shit on my car.
“I’d make an awesome president. Give me a problem, any problem.”
“Um, population control?”
“Kill all the storks. BOOM!”
me: remember how i was talking about getting a xylophone
[doctor holds up my x-ray] where the hell are your ribs?
me: im trying to tell you
Doggies just call it style.
Wife: [eyes me suspiciously] have you been using my shampoo and conditioner again?
Me: [brushing my volumized, shiny, tangle-free, plumeria & jasmine smelling hair] no.
*twirls fork through hair*
So, is it is really murder if you stab them when they stand between you and your cake?
A friend just texted me & asked for relationship advice. That’s like asking the pope to name all the members of Slipknot.
DOG 911: what’s your emer-
DOG: MY HUMAN SAID “WALK” WHILE TALKING
DOG 911: so?
DOG: WE NEVER WENT FOR A WALK
DOG 911: OMG
DOG: OMG
My husband just informed me that he’s been driving around for the past two years with a katana and a couple of sai in his trunk. He was like “I’m sure I told you about them” and I was like you absolutely did not tell me about the mortal kombat weapons in your car
If you press this button, you will get a piece of cheesecake but one person on earth will die so-
*me already pressing button* sorry, what?
Thanks to Twitter, rock bottom now has a waiting list.
If you cannot hold a poker face don’t bother becoming a parent because if you can’t sell, and I mean truly sell it when you tell your 4 year old that there are no actual tomatoes in tomato sauce, she will never agree to eat pizza again
3 years into a relationship and you get a text “i need space” loooool lets sell some furniture then
A young Lil’ Wayne sits alone typing lyrics into Word 97 when a cartoon paperclip suddenly appears on-screen.
[Did you mean “digger”?]