In my day, Frozen 2 would’ve been released directly to VHS with a new Olaf who sounds weird, and we would’ve been GRATEFUL.
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an ear doctor’s practice called “hear, here” somebody write that down
“Women & Children first” i yell heroically from the Dentist’s waiting room
Vader: I AM your father.
Luke: Why are you telling me this now?
Vader:
Luke:
Vader: I need a kidney.
can y’all stop breaking each others hearts, the gym is getting too packed
Just look at all these clinical brochures I got at the Doctor. Alcohol abuse, drug abuse, unprotected sex…
Sounds like a fun night!
Following politics is fun cuz it combines the entertainment of reality TV with the thrill of possibly dying in real life
[teaching babies to swim]
Me: ok, some of you are not gonna make it
i put “wake up” and “try to breathe” on my to-do list and long story short it’s 9:30am and guess who’s already had a productive day
Seeing all this inclusion on TV and movies now is making me feel like I grew up in the 1800s…when only my knees did
Flock of bats
Called the plumber today to come fix my toilet but had to play it off like I didn’t know how all those wine corks got down there, so I blamed the cat.
Me: *shopping for turtlenecks*
Amazon: People who bought this item also bought lye, plastic sheeting, and a chainsaw
Dr: Your Mom is like regular moms except we lost her in surgery.
Me: Did you just use a joke format to tell me my mom died
Dr: yep
[first date]
OK don’t let her know you’re a snail
Waiter: Would you like some salt?
[flips table over] OH HELL NO [bolts out real slowly]
Be careful of what you say online because future employers might see it and will probably want to start hanging out with you
i like how ppl mess with ouija boards then are all like omg why are demons trying to eat my soul like you did this to yourself bro.
[First day at the fortune cookie factory]
Me: Boss, I got this order for 10k cookies boxed and ready to go.
Boss: That’s Incredible, it’s normally a week long job!
Me: Yeah, I worked real hard because you left me all these inspirational little notes.
[My Last day at the factory]
My second child was so overdue, when we left the hospital we dropped her off at kindergaten.
3yo: I hate vegetables!
Me: you know fries are made from a vegetable, right?
3yo: oh, ok, I love fries!
Me: great, here’s your ᶜᵃʳʳᵒᵗ ‘fries’
What if animals were injured in the making of a film. would it say ”Tim hurt one monkey… he feels bad.”
I fired myself from cleaning my own house. I didn’t like my attitude, and I got caught drinking on the job.
I wonder if the username “That Cab” is free, cause a lot of people would want to follow “That Cab”
Fixing my grandma’s computer and I see that her search history is about seven various spellings of the name of the last guy I dated.
My family is missing that gene that tells you when trash cans are full.
wife: STOP, you’re turning into your father
me: well, he shouldn’t be standing in the driveway like that
#NeverForget
[fumbling with my phone as I’m being murdered]
ME: *takes picture of my home screen*
I did errands without my phone and it took 6 days, 17 hours and 59 minutes less time.
If your doctor has to google something right in front of you, you’re probably going to die.
What I’ve learned from Dateline:
1. A hit man is surprisingly cheap and they almost always take payment plans.
2. Random murders are rare.
3. One should keep a missing photo file so the news has all your “good” photos.
5. The husband totally did it.