Red Cross: A blood donation is the best gift you can give to someone.
[Christmas morning]
Kids: [all screaming while opening their presents]
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Dr: How many drinks do you have per week?
Me: Four-
Dr: okay
Me: -teen
Dr:
Me: -ish.
“dogs are better than cats they crap outside” yeah except if my cat has to crap at 1am he can just go but if my dog needs to I gotta get up out of bed and let him out like that is not superior
I can’t take my dog to the pond because the ducks keep attacking him…
Guess that’s what get for buying a pure bread dog.
My quest began, passing through the forest of enlightenment, ascending the mount of discovery, galloping over the fields of ruin, and I reached the sacred place. Why is the taco bell toilet so far from the serving area anyway
Airplanes are like bad printers. It sucks when they’re inside your office building
Do you sell bloodpants?
“Nope”
Shitpants?
“Nope”
Droolpants?
“Nope”
Sweatpants?
“Right this way…”
I always thought I was a terrible multitasker until I had kids and had to feed a baby, wipe a nose, and produce a snack all while merging on the freeway.
waiter: wine?
date: I don’t drink
waiter: water?
me: she said she doesn’t drink pal
Them: you’re fired
Me: Well GOOD LUCK dealing with this mess when I’m gone *gesturing to my crumb-covered workspace*
Got a new high score on my bathroom scale
I spend a lot of time looking at new recipes for someone who regularly burns instant noodles
Before I drop a bag of clothes off at Goodwill, I like to take it for a ride in the back of my car for a good five or six months.
Hear me out. Cauliflower made out of pizza crust.
Cop: I can only hold you for another hour
Criminal: Then you’re just gonna let me go?!
Cop: You know I gotta work, babe
In the autumn there are two types of creatures who collect acorns: squirrels and toddlers.
Always be careful when you drink and laugh 🤣
Gordon Ramsey: tell me what you’ve made here
Me: *placing my hand on his* an everlasting friendship
Stick it to the man
Water towers were invented so angst ridden teenagers had something to climb in 80s movies.
imagine being born on january 1st, you gotta wait a whole year just for it to be your birthday lol
Your 20s are for figuring out who you are.
Your 30s are for figuring out where you want to be.
Your 40s are for figuring out what the attachments to your vacuum do
The clinic won’t give me any more emotional support spiders since I already swallowed 8 of them this year.
If I refer to myself as, “sauced up,” it probably just means I have honey, BBQ and ranch to dip my nuggets in.
me: how can Americans be so arrogant?
also me: *is mad when United States is listed alphabetically instead of at the top of a list*
I do not envy the youth. Imagine starting college in the year 2022: you’re totally pumped, can’t wait for the best 4 years of your life, and then you find out….your roommate is really into crypto.
[sees a guy with his foot caught in a bear trap]
Me: dude that thing’s for bears
Actually told a girl who’s moving to France soon that “there’s lots of French people over there”. It’s a wonder how I can even bathe myself.
If dogs ever learn to talk I want everyone to keep in mind that mine is a big fat liar.
i, nurse brian, take thee, my mom’s toilet, in holy matrimony
waiter: have a good day
me: love you too