When you’re single and decide to go out for dinner on Valentine’s Day.
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This tweet lives in my head rent free.
Not to brag on my wife but she doubled our accidental death and dismemberment insurance when I bought a chainsaw.
My neighbour was rushed to hospital today after a wasp landed on his face. It didn’t sting him, luckily I got it first with my shovel.
My work here is done
I don’t need a home security system for my safety because as soon as someone breaks in and hears me moaning in the hallway from falling out of the bed, they’ll just turn around a leave.
Gonna tell my kids this is how game of thrones ended
wife and kids are threatening to remove me from the family group chat because my Android is messing it up and now I’m certain that I made the right phone choice
I’m into the “girl next door” type. Until the restraining order takes effect and I have to move.
Then I’m into the “cute, angry girl that’s always 50ft away from me” type.
It’s gonna be a great beach day, and other mean things meteorologists say as I’m getting ready for work.
I had my year-end evaluation and it went like “You have great substantive legal skills, but you don’t come into the office enough and you don’t attend social events and you don’t regularly answer emails on weekends.” Yes, precisely.
My mom ran over my imaginary friend, Stephanie. I never told my mom because deep down I wanted Stephanie out of my life.
My phone charger is lying in another room, HELP.
Mugger: Put all your cash in this bag.
Me, caught up in a MLM scheme: What if I told you that instead of money I have the power to be my own boss?
Mugger: Oh wow you really have nothing.
Me: Come and rob me in like four weeks I swear I’ll have so much money
i don’t think the t-rex’s arms were that small i just think a frustrated paleontologist grabbed two bones and lied
Reporter: He was strangled by a loved one
My Murderer: Whoa, love is a strong word
Movie where someone thinks they’re a ghost and the plot twist is they were alive the whole time
If you wanna see that guy you used to like, go out in public looking your worst and it’s practically guaranteed.
Me, 7yrs ago: NO EATING in my new car. I mean spotless
Me, Now: u hungry car? *mashes donut into CD player*
Indoor weekend with a toddler whose sleep schedule is backsliding.
They say as your kids get older they get more likeable but that can’t be true because my parents still don’t like me
I have a cut on my leg Doc
“Yeah that legs gotta go sir”
But its a tiny cut
“Sorry, I cant save it” *sharks fake doctor outfit falls off*
Your Harvard education doesn’t make me respect you more – it makes me respect Harvard less.
I don’t mind coming to work, but this eight hour wait to go home is just ridiculous!
“How many fingers do I have up?”
– a gynecologist who thinks he’s really funny
🎶I’m going to wash that man right out of my hair🎶
*tiny little man falls out of my hair with a gentle thud*
Him: Is that a new shampoo?
Whenever I have a panic attack, I put a brown paper bag over my mouth…and drink all the vodka inside.
It seems to help
My plans for world domination will have to be put on hold while I try to open this package of batteries.
*job interview*
Wonka: Any questions?
Oompa Loompa: So we just go out and start singing whenever a kid dies?
I’ll bet cutting out gluten didn’t change your life as much as forgetting birth control changed mine.
Tried to challenge the guy in the stall next to me to a thumb war, now he’s holding my hand & crying about his childhood.
I need to wipe.