If I ever have an out of body experience, when it’s over I’m gonna be like “Umm, do I have to go back to my original body? I kinda like that younger one with better hair over there.”
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The next time my husband asks me where something in the house is, I’m turning it into a scavenger hunt.
The vegetable crisper or as I call it, the cold garbage can.
If you need me I’ll be in the corner crying like a baby because I cleaned the house from top to bottom and then let the kids back in
I saved $38 by moving the fish tank in front of the TV during “Ellen” and telling my kids it was Finding Dory.
Parents will complain about their kids wanting to read the same book every night and then go watch the office for the bajillionth time.
‘It’s nice & thick…you’ll have to suck pretty hard.’
– Why I lost my job at the ice cream parlor.
I would never be comfortable delivering a baby. I can’t even remove an avocado pit without dropping it.
Stop picking up fawns.
You are not a Disney princess.
And even if you are, don’t.
All I’m saying is if I was murdered there’d be a lot of suspects
me, sober: ugh, i’m never leaving my house again, people are trash.
me, after 3 beers: *on a megaphone* ATTENTION EVERYONE IN MY NEIGHBORHOOD I WOULD LIKE TO PAY YOUR ELECTRICITY BILL THIS MONTH
Spider-man never tweets via iPhone. He’s a web kinda guy.
Mom: Aww she is having so much fun!
Child (blowing bubbles and popping them): I CREATE AND DESTROY. I AM A GOD.
I was pretty sure you were the wrong kind of crazy. Then you used “luckfully” in a tweet and removed all doubt.
If you name a baby Barbara, the baby turns 50 years old immediately.
simultaneously my vacuum caught fire and my crush texted me, so the vacuum had to wait
Know your Norse mythology. Loki. The trickster. Devised the death of heroic god Baldr and those chips that can’t be opened without scissors.
*Geography Bee*
Judge: “Tell me about Yemen.”
Me: “Chandler said he was moving there when he couldn’t breakup with Janice on Friends.”
me: (texting boss) we still on for work today?
boss: yes. you dont have to text me this every morning. we’re “on” for work every day mon-fri
OK, I’m ready for Senior Mints now.
Years after finishing high school I now know the true importance of punctuation signs
They are for making cute smiley faces
(^_^)/
Elmer Fudd married Bugs Bunny. Twice. I think they had a better shot than you.
– me as a marriage counselor
My son patted my arm lovingly and said sweetly, ‘you are not the meanest mom,’ so now I know what to put on my new coffee mug.
ME: [Consoling my friend, whose dog has been missing for 3 weeks] It’s ok, I’m taking good care of her.
HIM: What?
ME: What?
*beach*
Lifeguard: Dammit, I just stepped on your dog’s crap!
Me: I guess that makes you a liar.
Lifeguard: Excuse me?!
Me: The sign says “No Lifeguard On Duty.”
My son hates how I fuss about his birthday at his workplace.
So this year the Mariachi band will not be wearing hats.
Jesus: [walking past a pond]
[A herd of hungry ducks begins waddling behind him]
Jesus: [starts walking faster]
Inspiring: Celebrities Spell Out ‘We’re All In This Together’ With Their Yachts
Me: *lighting candles* don’t mind me, just setting the mood
Her: *backs out of elevator before doors close*
me, after making no effort to address a complaint: how about now
just got my engagement photos