Every woman says she wants to be treated like a princess, until you try to marry her off to your most powerful ally.
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me: push!
wife: [in labor] I AM
me: push harder!!
wife: I CAN’T
me: oh my bad [opens door to delivery room] it says pull
Me: Gimme that bread, daddy
Priest: It’s Father
What I learned from Titanic was that u need to have sex as soon as possilble with the person u like cause u never know what might happen.
Hurt my hand so now I tweet exclusively with one of those text to speech things comma I think it’s going well full stop send tweet no don’t type that send tweet I said send tweet are you shouting at your phone nobody asked you rebecca wait no don’t send that
*Grilling salmon
TELL ME WHAT YOU WERE DOING SWIMMING UPSTREAM LAST WEEK
Yet another day of playing ‘Is it just allergies or should I prepare my will’
I ate a kid’s meal today at McDonald’s.
His mom got really mad.
wife: I TOLD you not to try a 360 with the grocery cart
me: It was really nice when everyone started clapping after they saw I was ok though
If I could time travel to assassinate a historical figure I’d probably choose Archduke Franz Ferdinand
me: *knocks on door* are you naked?
boss: just come in!
🎶Where did you come from?
Where did you go?🎶Me, seeing a mouse run past me across the kitchen floor
My son is watching Up, and asked if they tried to get a baby by having sex.
If I have to picture Carl and Ellie doing the nasty, so do you.
My husband accepted an invite to a bbq for us and said we would bring a salad, like “we” has anything to do with it.
My printer: Sorry, can’t print this out – I’m very low on magenta ink
Me: But I’m literally printing black text – there’s no red in it
My printer: Feed me magenta or you get nothing
Me: Go wake up your mother.
Son: No way man…no way.
Me: C’mon…please? You’re her offspring…she’s less likely to harm you.
Dance like no ones watching, clean like the cleaning lady is coming tomorrow
I think we figured out which one was Destiny’s child.
If your wife uses “I” it means she will be doing something. “We” means you will be.
After Sting retires he should change his name to Stung why are you still reading this
We belong together like chocolate and strawberries, like burgers and fries, like laundry and exercise equipment.
Me: Phone a friend
Judge: That’s not how this works
My children wanted to name our 2 guinea pigs Guinea and Piggie, so it is a certainty I will have future grandchildren named Girl and Boy.
LMAO
date: so what do you do?
me: *doing a huge amount of karate* adderall
Am I winning or losing at parenting if my 3yo says, “ooohhh chicken nuggets!” as I pull up to the security booth at a gated community?
Just saw a restaurant that was Japanese/Italian fusion and I can’t think of anything I want less than cheesy noodle sushi.
UPDATE: Twitter Reacts To The Scottish Independence Referendum #indyref #ScotlandDecides
Keep yourself entertained during quarantine by taking daily mail comments and putting them on New Yorker cartoons to create your own satirical comics.
There are two rules in life:
1. Never tell anyone everything.
Wife: What do you want to do for Cinco de Mayo?
Me: *sits on the couch and scratches in Spanish*