My wife just told me 11 more things I do wrong after she said she wasn’t talking to me anymore.
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It’s Saturday night and I just saw a guy with a ponytail and tinted lenses. Somewhere, a tarantula is home alone
If I ever trip slightly while walking, I make sure to look back and down at the ground so that the people around me know that I’m normally great at walking, but in this particular instance there was something wrong with the ground.
People who replace “Christ” with “X” are missing the whole point of what the ChristBox 360 is about.
My 8yo did a great job on his school project so he gets to pick any restaurant for dinner and so tonight we’ll be dining at the gas station.
*christopre walken givig tour of apt* this is my.. walken closet. and these boots. these boots were made.. *long unecesary pause* for walken
Me: Just a woman looking for a connection in this thermal nuclear apocalypse.
Guy: Hey-
Me: Not you.
me: why do you involve your friends in all our fights
her: “that’s not true”
text from Beth: that’s not true
[boss closing his door] I’m glad you enjoyed your trip down south but [the beads in my braids clack together as I turn] but what
Aquaman has to wait a half hour after eating before going on land.
Explain it to me like I’m five then do it for me like I’m one hundred.
[interview]
BOSS: So I see you majored in communication?
ME: No…miscommunication
BOSS: Your resume clearly says communication
ME: See?
Let’s send Sarah out into a swamp in a dress.
– news stations
If you judge how good or bad someone is at breathing are you aspi-rating?
“The Sun is dying. We need help” the scientists are speechless. Cool Dad kicks in the door & removes his shades “It’s daylight savings time”
[slipping waiter a five dollar bill]
can you make sure my green beans and mac n cheese don’t touch on the plate
[blind date]
ME [chewing a garlic clove like a piece of bubblegum]: wanna borrow my mask
Why do people say half a dozen?
Why can’t they just say Six
I’ll love you until the end of the egg timer.
I hate it when people show up at MY house, knock on MY door, and then ask me why I’m not wearing pants.
They updated the Raggedy Ann doll to Swaggedy Ann. She comes with an iPhone, divorced parents, and 3 pairs of heelys
I be like “I gotta drink more water” then take one little sippy sip and then give the rest to my house plants
Me: I pull a sword from my forehead
Nerd: Not realistic
M: so dungeons and dragons are real?
N: …
M: so, I pull a sword from my forehead
I’ve been pretending to know what “zeitgeist” means for a really long time now.
SERIAL KILLER: prepare to die
ME: thanks, you too
Wife: *through tears* An 11 foot tombstone seems a bit excessive
Funeral director: Ma’am, your husband was adamant in his wish to list his favorite breakfast cereals ranked by prize quality
HUSBAND: Why are you eating food in line when we’re buying takeout?
ME: It’s my warm up sandwich.
Husband: You cut your hair!
Me: …
H: It looks good! I like it!
…
Me: I cut my hair 3 weeks ago.
{If autocorrect was a person}
ME: I think that’s right.
AUTOCORRECT: It’s not.
ME: Then what is it?
AUTOCORRECT: I don’t know, dude. Aubergine?
ME: You think I meant aubergine?
AUTOCORRECT: Look, I know literally all of the words, and that was none of them. Maybe this is on you.
I told my wife she was packing the suitcase wrong so guess who has to put his vacation clothes in grocery bags now.
I don’t get to work from home but that won’t stop me from showing up in my bathrobe.