A fun thing about parenthood is that even when you get to close the bathroom door you’re never really alone
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[first date]
him: I’m sorry about the sushi but your bio said “real fish person”
me, a mermaid: can we just go
You don’t need to put “liquid” in front of “diarrhea”. We get it.
If you ever ask me what my favorite of something is, it is guaranteed that I will forget everything I’ve ever loved, mumble some nonsense and run away.
If by chipper you mean woodchipper, then yes, I have a chipper personality.
Special shout out to the CIA, who were pouring cold water on people BEFORE the “ice bucket challenge” made it cool
Friend: PUMP THE BREAKS!
Me: YOU CAN DO IT BREAKS! I BELIEVE IN YOU!
Most people getting out of an Uber: “thanks”
Midwesterner getting out of an Uber: “Good luck with your custody battle! There’s no way the courts won’t be able to see what an amazing mother you are! You stay strong Amber…I love you!”
*pronounces GIF like graphics interchange format*
4yo does not want to go to school anymore, she wants to be homeschooled
I told her I will homeschool her this week and then she will go back to school next week. She’s delighted!
(There is no school this week)
This January has 47 Mondays
Jeff: i’m pro gun.
Me: i’m anti gun.
Greg: i’m vegan.
Me: i’m pro gun, now. Jeff, give me your gun.
I think my downstairs neighbors are beginning to suspect I’m living in their attic.
professor x: what’s your superpower?
me: solving equations
professor 3: wow
I’ve never been to a tailgate party, but I once hung out with my grandma and her friends in the bingo parking lot for 30 minutes.
Why does the dentist have to take an X-ray of my teeth. They right there bro
Government shutdown day 7: Electricity still works. Water is still running. No cool gangs to join yet. Worst apocalypse ever.
I was thinking of becoming self employed but due to cutbacks I can’t afford to hire me right now.
i just bought a used car and the owners left their “baby on board” sign in it. i don’t have any children so i just wrote “former” on it
My wife is constantly accusing me of being racist.I dont care what she says,Im black,shes black,it should concern me that our baby is white
I’m going to ask you guys a question… if you are in a car and you press the gas and the brakes at the same time, does it take a screen shot?
Today I saw a bird shit on somebody for no apparent reason at all.
Then I thought of you.
I always thought by this stage of adulthood I’d have my shit together but I just asked google how long you can survive without vegetables so apparently not
I just did my own taxes for the first time and I’m glad I did because I’m getting 8 million dollars back this year!
Me: “I peed three times last night”
Her: “Don’t you hate getting up and going to the bathroom?”
Me: “Getting up?”
My daughter is so critical…
“Another cup of coffee?”
“That’s a lot of salt.”
“Your pants are on inside out. Again.”
Lost fighter jets are always in the last place you look.
Okay, I’m still confused…
[date]
him: I loved Captain Marvel.
me: Me too!
him: What was your favorite part?
me: *sweating* The uhhh…marveling
Check out the free section of Craiglist and treat yourself to a little something special.
I would totally do this if I had any desire to grow ghost peppers.