I can count the people I trust on my middle finger.
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Health level: my credit card company called me about fraud because I bought a vegetable.
I’m a lady on the streets but a silly fake ghost in the sheets
Legend has it there are 13 ways to have sex. So far, all I’ve found is 1 and it wasn’t even that great since all we used was my imagination.
Doctor: I’m afraid we’ve lost him.
Mother: What? But he was just getting a few stitches!
Doctor: It’s just a figure of speech, ma’am, he’s right here in the morgue.
It’s only a matter of time before the casino realizes that baby I lost at the roulette table wasn’t mine
[blind date]
HER: I like puns but they have to be, you know, artistic
ME: Vincent van…go on
The rest of the Justice League always makes Aquaman eat at Long John Silvers so they can watch him cry.
Me: can I get a breakfast burrito
Waiter: no breakfast after 11
Me: can I get a regular burrito with eggs
Waiter: no eggs after 11
Me: can I get a regular burrito with chicken
Waiter: sur—
Me: —pre born
I implanted a voice-modulating chip in my neighbor’s chihuahua, so now, whenever he barks, it sounds like the sax riff from Careless Whispers. So soothing.
My boss: There are no stupid questions
Me: Do people get discounted manicures if they’re missing a finger?
My boss: I’m going home early
i will never tire of apocalypse shopping because i’m a virgo and also when the end comes i want to rub my preparation in everyone else’s faces
YOGI BEAR: Hahaha, I just stole their pic-a-nic baskets!
RANGER SMITH: You murdered 7 campers.
YOGI BEAR: *Exasperatedly* …To get their pic-a-nic baskets.
COACH: [to player with head injury]: What year is it?
PLAYER: 2020.
COACH: Correct. Who is the president?
PLAYER: I don’t know.
COACH: Also correct.
Do bodybuilding exterminators have better traps?
What if all countries have ninjas, and we only know about the Asian ones because they suck?
“How do you like your tea? Milk, sugar, eels?”
“Eels?”
“Okay, eels.” I say, unscrewing the cap on a carton of highly agitated eels.
My kid was searching for her popsicle in her sleep and I’ve never felt closer to her
RT if you could go either way.
You know it’s a fancy restaurant when you have to point at what you want on the menu because you can’t pronounce the name.
Everyone is gangster till they touch a bandaid in a pool
MORPHEUS: choose the red pill or the blue pill
NEO: which one turns into the coolest dinosaur
Everyone’s gangsta till you’re waiting on your dog to poop.
A gorgeous woman’s been staring me down from across this cafe for an hour. The wildly handsome man directly behind me must be super jealous.
If you’re having second thoughts….
you’re ahead of most people.
Airport moving sidewalks are great for when you only want to feel like George Jetson for 10 seconds before you’re back to Fred Flintstone.
Went to Costco for eggs. Walked out with a toaster oven, an 80 inch 4K TV, minus 1 child and no eggs.
Why would I want to fund a crowd?
Sorry I missed your call, the frogs had my phone again.
Dear Stephen Hawking,
You’re not the boss of us.
Sincerely,
hawks
[God Creating Raccoons]
God: make a panda but a trash panda, then give it a mask so that people would know it will kill them for their food