I would like a formal apology each time I prove to my computer it wrongly accused me of being a robot.
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I like that they snuck the word “strum” right in the middle of “instrument”
I watched a woman clean her whole house on YouTube today, in case you thought I lacked ambition.
Just watched Home Alone 4 with my kids. The writers should be sentenced to a semester of Physics 101 at a community college.
my psychiatrist told me i seem like i do improv and i literally don’t even know how to take that
Therapist: So what steps can you take to break your people-pleasing habits?
Me: Ask my mother what she wants me to do?
Therapist: No.
Me: Sorry. Are you mad at me?
Actually, I want to be a robot for Halloween
-my 3 yo, just before noon, October 31
Me: “Keep your friends close, and your enemies closer.”
Friends: “No thanks.”
Enemies: “Also no thanks.”
Trying to sound more sinister in normal conversation. i just invited my friend out for a drink tonight but i did it by saying “do u wanna meet me for a simple drink at a regular bar no strings attached nothing weird”.
A five year old girl is headed to
the National Spelling Bee finals.And I just had to use autocorrect
to spell “embarrassed”I’m so emb-
Sometimes nothing goes well. Other times you draw a mustache on a photo as a revenge, and the person on the photo sees it and to your surprise actually grows a mustache because he liked it
ME: Make every guy afraid of me.
GENIE: As you wish.
ME: (a tampon): son of a
Watching cross country skiing is as entertaining as watching a person ride an elliptical
What’s it called when you’re anxious enough to be a Helicopter Mom, but really, really lazy? A Blimp Mom? Yeah, I’m that.
My new oil business is a nonprofit but only because I’m not making any money and just buying yachts.
me: no need to cut it, it’s just for me
pizza guy: u sure?
Elbows may look like chicken skin, but they don’t fry up the same.
“Do people really become like their pets?” I wonder, absentmindedly raising a leg above my head and staring into space.
My spouse is “attending” a virtual conference for the next few days. To help simulate the real thing, I’ll set out a picked-over tray of mini-muffins, soggy cut fruit, and some weak coffee, and then whisk them away just as he approaches the table.
“Sorry about this, but I ran out of allergy medicine and it’s spring,” I say to the frightened pharmacy clerk through my hazmat suit.
Me: *puts six steaks on the grill*
Wife: Don’t you think that’s too much? It’s just us and the kids.
Me: Wait, you guys are eating, too?
*i open my briefcase, take out a picture of a block of velveeta cheese & slide it across the table to my financial manager*
how can i purchase one of these?
Facebook 2007: are you a teenager who wants to find out if your crush is single?
Facebook 2017: are you an aunt who wants revenge
Sorry I can’t come to your party, I already made other plans after you invited me.
Construction sites are dangerous places. I nearly blacked out holding in my stomach as I walked past one.
[sets up grandfather’s first computer]
ME: Okay, Grandpa… Just call me if you have any questions or problems.
[phone rings one hour later]
ME: Hello?
GRANDPA: WebMD says I’m pregnant.
[doorbell]
“Hi, do you have time to discuss the Bible?”
“You have cookies?”
“No, sir I-”
“Come back when you have cookies.”*closes door*
Trust is knowing you never have to look through their phone.
Rejected titles for “The Queen’s Gambit” (2020):
– Knights, Knights Baby
– Pawn Hub
– Mate Expectations
– Checks Mix
– Stop Staring at My Chess!
There is so much beef on Twitter it’s impossible to stay vegan
My vehicle’s anti-theft device is standard transmission.