cop: COME OUT WITH UR HANDS UP
me: NEVER
cop: THIS IS UR LAST CHANCE
me: YOU’LL NEVER TAKE ME ALIVE
cop:
me:
cop: WE HAVE PUPPIES OUT HERE
me: FOR REAL THIS TIME?
You Might Also Like
It’s crazy how my ex was so upset about losing me that he had to build a life with a new woman.
If you listen real closely, you can hear my alarm clock laughing as I set it.
Note to self: do not get drunk and wear jeans that have 6 buttons.
If you only see two signs about a raccoon room today, make it these two.
Taught my 6 yo nephew that he should say “calm down Karen” whenever his mom is mad at him. Now we wait for my sister Stacy to call
came home to find the cat drunk again. the dog of course said nothing.
A Tinder app, only you hook up with the best buffets in your town
Remember when all bombs looked like a black bowling ball with a giant wick in the top? Yep, simpler times.
I take my pants off like everyone else. Getting tangled in one pant leg, stepping on the other, tipping over & hitting my face on the door.
What did the blanket say as it fell off the bed?
Oh sheet.
Me *has read one book all year*
Me *going on a trip for a week* better download 15 books
date: what is this plate scribbled on with a marker
me: ah yes *kisses fingertips* my signature dish
How many cops does it take to change a lightbulb?
None, they just beat the room for being black.
*drops mic, gets beat by security*
My husband just told me not to look in the vegetable drawer because it would ruin my birthday surprise, but if my birthday surprise involves vegetables, he may be in danger.
Hot people do not eat as many egg sandwiches as I do and I’ve made my peace with that
I had a scary nightmare where all the people I muted and blocked hid all my wife’s cosmetics to get me in trouble.
2022 just sounds like you lost track while counting
[creation]
GOD: You will each have a flaw
BAT: I am blind
SNAKE: I am deaf
DOG: My breath is a little bad
It took me 9 self inflicted ER visits, but that nurse finally realized it was love at first sight.
At a dinner party, instead of putting names on place cards, just list everyone’s shortcomings and they have figure out where they’re supposed to sit.
I broke up with my high school girlfriend because I’m a nerd and she was a cheerleader, we were just wrong for each other. Also I never asked her out or even spoke to her, poor girl didn’t even know I existed.
Why is it then when things are going well we say everything is “peachy”? What elevated the peach above all other fruits to define itself as all that is good? What did it do to deserve such an accolade?
I see you peach, and I’m watching
[Blue whale documentary]
This monster can eat 40 million fish in a day.Whale looking directly into the camera: Yeah I’m kind of a foodie.
they finally got him. they got macavity
I just ordered a life alert bracelet, so if I ever get a life I will be notified immediately.
Fool me once, I buy a grenade, Fool me twice, I throw it..
If I was a vampire, pretty sure I’d find a way to cover blood in cheese.
Let’s settle this like men… men with bad judgment & unlimited water balloons
Watch out, fellow motorists! I’ve got fast-food in my hand and I’m not afraid to give it my full attention.
[my funeral]
PRIEST: we are here for Robert-
*one guy in the back of the room boos*