When the horse rides back into camp without the rider, it’s never good news, but no one ever suspects the horse.
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Boss: do you have Twitter?
Me: what’s twitter?
Boss: no seriously
Me: ……
Me: no hablo Inglés
Twitter has ruined my chance at a political career.
Thank goodness.
Found my chapstick in my pants pocket before it went through the washer or the dryer in case anyone is looking for a life coach.
My coworker was making a run to the convenience store and asked if anyone wanted anything and I said a Yoo-hoo and now everyone is making fun of me
Me : can you be my quarantine partner ?
Her : Hmmm …first , Show me your
stimulus packageMe : 🤦🏾♂️
Her : DO NOT TOUCH YOUR FACE.
So many people say “if my memory serves me correctly” and I’m actually quite shocked at the amount of servants named Memory…….
DATE: I love heavy metal
ME: [trying to impress] My Dad was crushed by iridium
Roses are red,
violets are blue,
dogs go woof
and cows go moo.#PoetryDay #RubbishJokes
Thinking about the time a professor commented ‘please justify in the final version’ on my draft and I spent around a 1000 words justifying what I wrote but turns out all she wanted was for me to justify the text alignment 😭
If Apple ever made a car they would probably have oddly sized/shaped cup holders just so people would buy their custom drink containers.
Asked hubs to pick up tampons. Love doin that shit. Also said I needed super, light, long, short, orange ones so he’ll have to ask someone.
My new puppy is training and gets treats for doing well. My older dog gets treats as well, for, you know…supervising.
How can I get invited to one of these knife fights everyone keeps talking about? Can we do it over zoom
A kebab made by a librarian is a
Shhhhhish kebab
#RubbishJokes #KebabDay
#FridayVibe
I’d enjoy therapy a lot more if it included cocktails and a light snack.
ufo crew: why are we hovering?
ufo captain: i wanna pet those dogs
ufo crew: why not land?
ufo cap: those talking monkeys are annoying af
Can I still watch 300 if I haven’t seen the first 299
Paralegal activity. #BoringHorrorMovies
did I accomplish my goals for this year? no. but did I look after my physical and mental health? not at all. but did I maintain a proper diet and sleep schedule? listen,
[trying out my magic tricks for the first time]
*sawing person in half*
Funeral director: *wrestling me away from casket*
Cop: Are you drunk?
Me: um if I was drunk, could I do this?
*stands on one foot*
Cop: ok first of all, ow
R.I.P.
BREAKING NEWS: lost city of atlantis found in detroit pothole
No one:
My kid at 6am: if we plant a sausage maybe we can grow a sausage tree
In the United States a man gets kicked in the groin every 6.2 seconds. I would hate to be that man.
Moaning faced neighbour has moved so we’ve finally got the balls back she refused to send back. Just the TWENTY THREE of them!!!
These 3D printers are insane!
Me: [doing crossword] 41 band; three letters.
Wife: sum.
Me: human parts; four letters.
Wife: body.
Me: upon a time; four letters.
Wife: once.
Me: to pay; four letters.
Wife: toll.
Me: 90’s slang; three letters.
Wife: duh.
Me: refer to myself; two letters.
Wife: me.
I accidentally used my mom’s fabric scissors to cut wrapping paper and now the cops are here
*drops pizza slice on the floor
Hey can I get another slice?
*eats slice that fell on the floor then eats new slice