smoke alarm broke, so i decided to tape a bag of microwave popcorn to the ceiling. if it starts popping, i will know it is too hot in there.
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If you read enough tweets you can tell the approximate time the tweeter switched from coffee to alcohol
cop: this flat earther was ran over by a steamroller
detective: i guess you could say it’s [puts on sunglasses] really bright outside today
If I ever die while lifting at the gym, add more weights before calling 911.
the human. just got home. i have no idea. where they’ve been. but in their absence. they’ll be proud to see. that i took it. upon myself. to redistribute. all the footwear. i could find. throughout the household. because i decided. that was. my duty
[inventor of the snooze button]
ok, these alarm clocks are pretty good, let’s add something to make them useless
Movie comes on while im in bed: ugh ive seen this a million times
Movie comes on before I have to get ready for work: oh hell yea a classic
Hubby took the kids downstairs and is letting me sleep in! I’m so excit..never mind, I hear crying already. I think it’s my husband.
*buys premium quality kitten food. Serves it in high quality vet recommended cat bowl.*
Cat: Is that dirt on the floor? Nom nom nom!
me: I think I left my phone charger on the plane
flight attendant: are you getting into the life boat or not
Me: *drops toddler off at gym daycare*
DC: Which room will you be working out in?
Me: None of them, I just need to take a shower.
A woman saying “I’m not mad at you” is like a dentist saying “You won’t feel a thing.”
My child is as cold as ice I wonder where they get that from
Whenever I’m feeling down on a Sunday night, I unblock my mom on Facebook as a reminder that shit could be worse.
So apparently if your iPhone tries to electrocute you, Apple support doesn’t know what to do except say “oh that’s a problem” and pass you up the support chain until you reach the person who feels comfortable putting you on hold for a year. It’s fine. I have all night. 🤯
Man Derives Depressing Amount Of Pride From Hometown Burger Chain
Then she had the nerve to tell me I had control issues!
I’ll do this part. *takes scalpel from my surgeon*
Surgeon: You should be asleep.
Her: You have selective hearing. You never hear criticism and only hear things that make you look good.
Me: Thanks, you look good too.
Cats will have a King sized bed all to themselves and still lie on the one spot where you left your sweatshirt.
Don’t give your heart to someone unless you’re 100% certain that you’re dead.
My boss: Why are you hiding behind the potted fern?
Me:
My boss: don’t be silly. Come out so we can complete your appraisal.
Me *makes nervous fern noises*
I just ate a donut before dinner & told my kids I can cuz I’m an adult so they will see growing up is awesome & eventually leave home.
The worst thing about living in the city must be cleaning all the dead parkour people out of your chimney.
Traffic fantasy:
– Someone does something stupid
– I give them “the look”
– They learn their lesson
– The roads are safer because of me
“Hello, cops? A man in an apron attacked my hair with scissors!”
“LOL sir, that was a barber.”
“He was black.”
“We’re sending a battleship.”
Don’t mind me while I aim the remote at your face and make fast-forward button gestures.
What idiot called it removing a curse and not a hexagon?
Simultaneously brilliant and awful.
Horton Hears a who?
Horton Hears a what?
Horton Hears a huh?
Horton hears a chicka chikca chicka chicka slim shady.
Me: I’ve applied for Canadian citizenship
Him: You’ll be sorry
Me: I sure hope so