Sometimes I wonder what ever happened to people who asked me for directions.
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Every single time I mow my lawn my neighbor starts mowing his within ten minutes. Do I have a rival dad? Is this war?
Describing the weird dream I had over the Walmart intercom until the police are called
*at my funeral*
Friend crying over my casket: look they’re burying her in her favorite dress
Me, still dead: it haaasss pockets
If my wife comes to bed nude it’s ON, but when it’s me at the end of the bed naked she’s all “what are you doin, we’re at Mattress City.”
“Want to come watch the game Saturday at 8:00?”
Well I’m going rollerskating at 1:00, so yeah I should be out of the hospital by then.
My most solemn promise to my friends: If you’re caught in a time-loop, I will believe you. Do you die at some point in the day and wake up to relive it again? And again. And again. Tell me, I’ll believe you. We’ll skip the entire “convincing me” montage.
I. Will. Believe. You.
Jesus Christ is trending? What the heck did he do THIS time?
Got caught by three red lights on my way home and now my avocados are bad
Me: ‘Alexa, set the timer for 90 minutes.’
Alexa: ‘What are we burning tonight?’
Job interviewer: Where do you see yourself in five years?
Me: Hopefully, on paid administrative leave.
Cop: Do you know why I pulled you over?
Me: Because you like me
Cop: omg shut up I do not
Don’t ask me if I’m participating in no nut November, call me when it’s time for Donut December
[death row]
prison chef: would you like to request a final meal?
me: yes, casserole, but can you cook it for twenty five years
The struggle is real.
Brain: Talk to that girl.
Me: She’s ugly. You’re drunk.
Brain: No you are.
Me: How many fingers am I holding up?
Brain: 12.
Me: Lucky guess.
Real Estate Agent: We’re here for your routine inspection. You have to let us in.
Me (hosing down the inside of the house): One moment.
I bought a Christmas tree today and the salesman asked if I was going to put it up myself. I said no, I’m going to put it in the living room.
There were only 7 deadly sins and then you came along.
[Traffic jam]
CAR 1: Hoonk!
CAR 2: Honk!
CAR 3: Honk, hooonk!
ME: *Holding up my goose* No pressure, Chester, whenever you’re ready.
[spelling bee]
JUDGE: your word is “bananas”
GWEN STEFANI: oh hell yes
you’ve been hit by
*bang-bang*
you’ve been struck by
your time management
Nothing like accidentally setting fire to your hair at work to make you feel alive
*on blind date*
Her: you wore pajama pants on a first date?
Me: wtf? I thought you were blind!
i mainly don’t bother with botox or other injections because why pay a crapton of money to make me look like a slightly more rested version of my actual age when alcohol is cheap and makes me think i still have game
life hack: toss a couple tennis balls into your dryer to make it louder
Wife: I don’t feel like he makes our relationship a priority
Marriage counselor: would you like to respond?
Me: *just absolutely going to town on a calzone*
[i sweetly pet a wild baby deer in my lap] aww this is so boring
I am a gravy boat captain
Parenting is a delicate balancing act where you need to teach your kids numbers but not well enough that they’re able to tell the time when you send them to bed early
Did you know that the sound of fallen leaves scattering across the pavement in the wind sounds just like someone running up behind you in the dark?
Did you also know I can run 83 mph?