“Mom guess what I’m getting married!!!”
Is he rich?
“I think so. His name is Charles Mansion”
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I can make it rain with these here birthing hips.
As in I keep knocking the papers off my desk every time I walk by it.
PHARAOH: we shall build religious monuments. they will baffle future science.
SUBJECT: should we leave them a note to explain how we did it?
PHARAOH: yes, take this down
SUBJECT: ok
PHARAOH: cat, dog, snake, bird, cat, man with the head of a cat, dog, cat, bird
Catch a baby opossum, give it a 12-hr sedative, and hide it in the glove compartment of the car of the person who’s dating your ex.
remember when the fbi would threaten you at the beginning of every vhs tape, that was pretty cool
How would you describe your past work?
[Cut to me picking up coins off sidewalks and taking them to CoinStar]
-Change management.
him: *on one knee*
me: you disrespectful piece of–
do you actually wanna go to grad school or are you just depressed and were trained to find (fleeting) fulfillment in academic success
I just bit into a dorito and had a piece of cool ranch seasoning fly into my eye and blind me and make me scream like I was being burned with acid so maybe don’t let me on your apocalypse survival team
Venmo is my favorite social media site. I love to see my boy John charge his wife for martinis
The microwave really puts 1 minute into perspective, doesn’t it?
Label: Non-habit forming
Me: Challenge accepted
got three hours sleep & i fell great! seems li the less less sleep I get the move alarr et u ambdcim
HER: Whisper in my ear
ME: [softly] We’re cursed chimpanzees stranded on a giant rock orbiting a treacherous star
Jeez, men read so much into it when you ask if they’ll riot by your side in the water wars
Kid being grounded in 1978:
YOU CAN’T GO OUTSIDE. YOU MUST STAY IN YOUR ROOM.
Kid being grounded in 2018:
YOU CAN’T STAY IN YOUR ROOM. YOU MUST GO OUTSIDE.
#oldknees
This tree does a lot of weird exercises
DENTIST: I need to test how sensitive you are
ME: Ok
DENTIST: You have a stupid haircut
ME *lip starts trembling*
DENTIST: I see
Me: I’m finally letting myself go gray
Dermatologist: you really need some sun
Get a puppy if you are in the market for a best friend who gets you up at 5 am so she can bite you excitedly
True love doesn’t care about the look or size of your wallet, it’s all about what is inside ….. the wallet.
Murderer 1: well this is awkward
Murderer 2: omg Dave haha what are the chances!
Murderer 1: how’s Carol?
Murderer 2: you know, same old same ol-
Me: EXCUSE ME
Just saw a large group of 20 yr olds saying a blessing before eating.
Then I realized they were all just looking at their phones.
Kind of miss the days when one of the biggest things we as a nation disagreed on was Coke vs. Pepsi.
starting a garage orchestra
My daughter said she hates Jon Bon Jovi’s voice and now I’m wondering who switched my baby at the hospital
I’m running on 3 hours of poor sleep, this has to be how people end up at the drive-thru wedding chapels.
COME TO ME JOURNALBOT
*Journalbot enters my study*
ok write this down: Polar bears are bear ghosts. “polargeists”
[very sad robot noises]
*goes in for first kiss*
*stops*
Before this goes any further, I need to understand your position on naming our kids after water Pokèmon
[nabisco hq]
“Wheat Thins sales are down we need ideas”
*raises hand*
“anyone else?”
…
…
“ok Dan, but I swear to god if u say-”
Wheat Thicks