thug: do you have a gram
drug dealer: yeah
grandma: [ripping off thug mask] then why don’t you ever visit
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Lorde wrote her Grammy nominated album at age 14. My son is 13 and has let the bathtub overflow twice while he was sitting INSIDE of it.
Ladies, if he can’t appreciate fruit jokes…
… you need to let that mango.
[Surprise party for girlfriend]
Me: *Leading her in blindfolded*
GF: Shouldn’t I be wearing that?
THERAPIST: Anyways—
ME: “Anyways” isn’t a word. You mean “anyway”
THERAPIST: ANYWAY, we were talking about your difficulty making friends
I have a friend who met her husband when her mom married his much older brother when she was 8. So her future husband was the much younger brother of her stepdad. I usually lose people around this point and have to say, “Imagine if you and your mom had the same mother-in-law”
Assume that everyone, no matter what the situation, is doing improv theatre for your amusement.
The Tooth Fairy plants all of those teeth as evidence
My daughter is serious about a guy she fell in love with at the zoo. She says he’s a keeper.
The “Beware of Cat” sign posted outside my house doesn’t seem to be having the desired affect.
*Throws caution to the wind*
*gets covered in caution*
these fake antiques roadshow captions are so funny to me
[A THREAD]
I take back everything bad I’ve ever said about the Welsh
Lance isn’t a common name now, but in Medieval times guys were named Lance a lot.
ATTENTION: Can the owner of the ‘MarioKart Champion’ tshirt return to security? There are several women here who’d like to have sex with you
ME AT 19: I stayed in a youth hostel with 20 strangers
ME IN MY 40s: This hotel bed is a bit smaller than at home and my wife’s leg touched me in the middle of night and now my vacation is ruined
GUY WHO INVENTED STEW:
I wish this plate of meat & vegetables was damp.
I take no responsibility for anything I said or did yesterday.
I was young. It was a different time.
I’m glad we’re finally banning plastic straws. It’s about time we started caring about camels and their fragile backs
Anyone who thinks sorry is the hardest word to say has clearly never tried speaking Welsh.
Sally: I Love You Mommy!
Me: Melts into a puddle.
Sally(5 minutes later to her breakfast): I Love You Waffles.
Me: Oh. ☹️
I only go on LinkedIn to see what my coworkers looked like 15 years ago.
*has no girlfriend or kids*
*gives out dating and parenting advice*
1995: oh cool, an online book store
2025: “please scan this qr code and take a brief survey in order to flush your toilet”
Him: I need to see license, registration and proof of insurance.
Me reaching for purse: again?? Speed dating at a cop convention sucks.
me: *walking my dog*
her: ah, what’s he called?
my dog: john
It really doesn’t feel like Christmas until Pavarotti is singing “Oh Holy Night” to the counterpoint of my wife shouting at the cats to get out of the tree
We flip out at the weatherman when he gets it wrong like twice a month. In the 1600s, if you guessed the weather correctly even once, they’d call you a witch and burn you at the stake.
“You know what? I’ll just wait for the next Uber. Thanks.”
SALT: ahh push it
PEPA: ahh push it
OBGYN: ahh push it{two minutes later} ooh baby baby
“What? Only 2% Milk? Then what’s the other 98%!?”
[bull walking confidently out of the factory]
Oh you don’t wanna know