A student brought me 20 huge homemade chocolate chip cookies today. Good thing I have self-control–I saved one for my kids. To split.
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I took two years of anger management courses
Now I’m the manager of four brand new anger stores
medusa but her hair is an anaconda
made the mistake of clicking through and buying something from an Instagram ad and it’s like when I tried to give one seagull a single piece of my sandwich
We didn’t need tutors when I was a kid, we just cheated
To see if my husband uses his shopping list, I used book titles instead food items. So we are either having Grapes or Wrath or bagel bites for dinner.
“It’s time to turn over a new leaf.”
– Adam & Eve on laundry day
My grandpa purposefully takes his hearing aids out so he can’t hear my kids. I don’t blame him. I’m jealous of him.
Whoever said money can’t buy happiness didn’t like things as much as I do.
Golf is a great way to learn all of the new curse words your subconscious has been cooking up in the lab.
Give me a break, ouija board. I don’t need to know who was killed in this house. Just tell me how the murderer got away with it.
as a teen: secretly drinking in the park with friends.
as an adult: secretly drinking in the park with squirrels.
Waiter: may I offer you a cocktail?
Me: yes. Molotov, please.
Everyone you meet is fighting a battle you know nothing about.
Make it worse by saying they look tired.
My mother-in-law came over and made me dinner, and now I’m wondering if I should have married her instead.
[buying treadmill]
Me: Can I try it out first?
Salesperson: Sure
Me: (pulls out laundry basket and hangs wet clothes on it) I like it.
Avoid office small talk by maintaining that facial expression between first sneeze and second sneeze.
Nothing is quite as scary as hearing your doorbell ring on the same night you made a blood sacrifice to the dark lord.
Waterbeds are for people who want to get sea sick at home.
The nephew I’m babysitting has been in a corn maze since Thursday, but I rationalize by thinking he has plenty to eat.
*notices my tinder match has “catholic” in their bio*
me: so how long have u been addicted to cats
[commercial for evaporated milk]
IS YOUR MILK TOO WET?
Small children who dress as Batman must be forced to fight crime. To teach them a lesson, about lying
[meeting]
ME: ok bear with me folks *pulls out a live salmon and eats it*
BUSINESS BEARS: *look around at each other and nod approvingly* this guy’s good
my mother, staring down at my open casket: is that what you’re wearing
I don’t care how much it rains, I’m not getting on a sex animal boat with a guy named Noah.
I’m sorry I hurt your feelings. Here’s a bag of frozen peas for any swelling.
Like boxes of shit in your house? Get a cat.
I hate when I think there’s an open parking space and then I have to run over a motorcycle.
Like on Amazon or in our house?
[My response when my wife asks me if I can find something for her]
me: they’re all so cute but i don’t know if i can take one away from its mother and siblings
pumpkin patch employee: ok