16 yo me: *about to take math final* You got this.
26 yo me: *about to run a marathon* You got this.
36 yo me: *about to start a movie after 8pm* You got this.
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Well, actually, FBI is not an acronym; it’s an initialism, because you can’t pronounce it as a word.
Mom: This is why you have no friends.
I noticed the trim on one of our garage doors was hanging weirdly. I figured no big deal as these are pretty old garage doors so I started to fix it…
5 yo: Mommy did that.
Me: Did what?
5 yo: She hit that with her car.
Me: Wow bro. Sold out your own mother.
My friend posted on Facebook that he’s hosting an improv show and every single person reacted with the “care” emoji.
Who made up sending kids to their room when they get in trouble? It’s like an amusement park in there. Timeouts should be spent in the parents’ room—no one’s had fun in there in ages.
If you give your kid a roll of tape today then you should expect you’ll need to buy more tape tomorrow
Therapist: What’s something you can do to stimulate your mind during this time?
Me: Bank robbery
Therapist: That’s not a crime
Me: I’m out of ideas
Haloween is over, but i just saw a group of people dressed up as the ghosts of the Cone Heads.
I’m so mad I put my fist through a wall. I HATE BEING A GHOST
Rather than trying to “change” your passwords, accept them for their imperfections and they will grow stronger than you can possibly imagine
Child just ran by screaming WHERE’S THE PLUNGER GET TOWELS LOTS OF TOWELS so anyway how is your day going?
My car spider built a web across my steering wheel & now I can’t go anywhere.
I’m exactly like Rocky in that, I challenge people to fight while I’m slurring my words.
The people who shout the loudest about their all powerful God protecting them & delivering them from any evil, also own a gun, just in case.
EMERGENCY!!! THERE’S A NEW ONE!!!!!
Just because I quit smoking doesn’t mean I gave up getting up and randomly leaving the room for 10 minutes.
Her: you take nice selfies
Me: so I’m vain
Her: no you’re photogenic
Me: oh so I’m ugly in real life
Her: just say thanks
Me: oh so I’m rude
ME: my ideal first date? well to me it dosent matter wat we do as long as we share a conection
JOB INTERVIEWER: i meant how soon can u start
*husband lifts up hood of car*
H: Aimee, could you…
Me: *honks horn*
H: *jumps* Damnit Aimee, don’t…
Me: *honk*
H:
Me: *honk*
ME: why is there a question mark on this periodic table?
PHYSICIST: that’s the element of surprise
Me: *nudges wife* Hey, are you sleeping?
Wife: *pumps shotgun*
What I really love about Air Fresheners is how it makes your bathroom smell like someone just shit in your rose garden…
National Ex Spouse Day fell in the middle of Serial Killer Week, coincidence?
Car next to me in liquor store parking lot has a family sticker. She has SEVEN kids.
I better get in there quick! She’s gonna buy it all.
A thief has removed all the motorway signs in Yorkshire. Police are currently trying to find Leeds.
Just saw a guy sitting with a Blackberry and a newspaper. I think he was waiting for a horse.
Only recently discovering that math is a branch of science probably explains my math marks in high school.
Boyfriend’s on the phone talking to a guy about lattes and his love of peach scones.
I’m on the couch wondering when our periods synced.
Avoid extra tasks by throwing distraction doughnuts at work
[looking up at bird sitting in a tree whilst on 1st date]
“I didn’t know birds could climb trees”
I like to add winky faces to non sexual sentences.
“I put the rest of the water in the fridge ;)”
my roommate is freaked out.