[preparing chicken for lunch]
me: it’s a meal we eat at middaychicken: gotcha
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Everyone rags on Facebook, but where else can you get a weather update, religious counseling, and a peach cobbler recipe all in one site.
imagine prince eric watching ariel get her voice back in the little mermaid and finding out she sounds exactly like donald duck
One interesting thing I learned in my thirties is that you can leave a bar before it closes.
[fancy restaurant]
ME: *combs my beard with a fork*
HER: what the hell man
ME: oh shit did I use the wrong one?
“I now pronounce you lunch and dinner.”
No bond is stronger than two coworkers who hate the same person.
All dates are ‘blind dates.’
The biological structure of fruit plants do not allow eye growth, therefore rendering them incapable of sight.
my favorite thing about Sesame Street is that everyone’s more concerned about Oscar being a grouch than the fact a vampire lives there
My 12yo just ate four pieces of fried chicken and a waffle for dinner, so I assume he’ll grow a few feet overnight
My wife is gone for the next 3 days, so if any ladies out there want to come over & yell at me to take out the garbage & not have sex, hmu
me linking you to my twitter
Never knew why pajama tops had pockets on them, but I just filled mine up with cookies to bring back to bed and now it makes complete sense.
The people who thought I could never pull off wearing a beret owe me an apology.
You had me at “she’s the one,” but lost me at “officer.”
If orange juice comes with pulp included, vodka should have mashed potato in it.
[prison]
CELLMATE: what are you in for?
ME: (actually in jail for jumping a fence to hug a panda) murder
[interview for fireman]
“So why do you think you’re a good fireman?”
I lit the building on fire
“What?”
Now watch as I try to put it out
That guy who narrates the true crime shows has the most soothing voice. He should be reading bedtime stories or something but instead he’s saying stuff like “Then he cut off her head and dumped her car in the river” all chill and mellow.
I wonder if husband spiders get annoyed when their spider wives use all the hot water in the shower shaving their 8 legs.
I’m like Pooh bear. I just want to eat, hang with my homies, and go around pantsless
Therapy isn’t enough. I need to run my brain through the dishwasher.
Vegetables: “We need to be stored in special conditions with ideal humidity and temperature.”
Potatoes:
If you accidentally use Pam cooking spray instead of Off…
It still works, because the mosquitoes just slide off your legs.
I hate laundry, dishes, sweeping, mopping, dusting, fixing and fetching. The only logical conclusion is that I am descended from royalty.
Honest job application:
On the whole I’ll do a perfectly adequate job. I’m quiet but not in an odd way. I won’t cause any fuss. Good at hoping people are well in emails (won’t use too many exclamation marks). Generally a good egg.
I stopped carrying my phone in my shirt pocket, because every time it vibrated my first thought was: Heart attack!
my 8yr old daughter has to touch 3 cats before she can do anything.
we only have two cats.
I just found a quarter in the vending machine, if anyone is looking for a sugar mama.
“They say children learn by example, even for potty training.”
-I explain to my horrified neighbor as my son and dog poop on the lawn