In my house the roles are reversed cause my kids tell me to turn my music down.
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The most important thing I learned in life, and I can’t stress enough, it doesn’t matter where you went to college.
The only thing that matters is that you’re really hot.
Me: (accidentally crushes the World’s Smallest Violin)
Guy who owns the World’s Second Smallest Violin: aw yea baby my time to shine
Other parents might understand this fear, I woke up to a text from my daughter that she sent at 12:32am
Daughter-you awake?
Me: (5 hours later) I just saw this, omg are you ok?
Daughter: oh yea I’m ok, I just wanted to know your potato salad recipe.
Strong people don’t put others down. They lift them up.
And throw them.
Being an adult on the internet is weird because you’ll see a trending article with a headline like, “Here’s a picture of what money looked like before Venmo!”
me: somebody stole a painting. they broke in, disabled the alarm–
detective: okay I got the picture
me: wow that was really fast
As a fireman, I’m constantly asked questions like, “Can you please stop flexing & put out that fire?”
Prank: if you’re standing at a busy intersection light beside a guy staring at his phone take 2 steps forward & see if he walks into traffic
ME: What’s in the bag?
FRIEND: A bicycle helmet for my kid.
ME: When I was a kid, we didn’t wear helmets, and we turned out just fine.
FRIEND: Well, you know-
ME: When I was a kid, we didn’t wear helmets, and we turned out just fine.
FRIEND: …
ME: What’s in the bag?
Me: [uncontrollable sobbing] I can’t see you anymore. I won’t let you hurt me again.
Trainer: It was a sit-up. You did 1 sit-up.
Traditional marriage was between a boy’s parents and a girl’s parents. And maybe some cattle.
thank god Hinge doesn’t do a year end wrapped. I would have to walk into the sea with pockets full of stones
detective: he’s been poisoned. the proof is in the pudding
me: *face absolutely covered in chocolate* wait it’s where
Who called them reply guys instead of first responders?
When I said ‘You can’t buy my love.’
I meant with your salary.
Slip ‘n Slide should be a universal mode of transportation. I refuse to budge on this
I miss the days when my work wife and my wife wife were different people.
million dollar idea: worm dehorser
My company promotes diversity
We’d never hire twins
4 pm:
5 pm:
6 pm:
7 pm:
8 pm:
9 pm:
9:59 pm:12 year old: I need some glitter, crayons and posterboard for school tomorrow
{On Tinder}
ADAM: *Swipes right*
EVE: *Swipes left*
GOD [clears throat and presses intercom]: Eve can i have a word with you please
I walk around like everything is fine, but deep down……
inside my shoe, my sock is sliding off.
Female giraffes on dating apps be like “Must be at least 20 feet”
LMAOOOOOOOOOOOOO
“Are you ok?” No my cheese drawer is empty
me: I wish my dad was alive
genie: done
[elsewhere]
dad: *stuck in a coffin* oh no not again
Wearing oven mitts and clicking BBQ tongs:
Ok I’ll look at that rash now.
Reality show idea: “So You Think You Can Touch Mike Tyson’s Nose.” Hidden camera. Tyson isn’t in on it.
After I beat my dad in Go Fish, I like to shit in my underwear to celebrate.
-My son, apparently
First zoom call: wears business casual, styles hair, places orchid in view of camera
Latest zoom call: Holding a beer at 9am, wearing Biore strip, blood on shirt, do not know whose