Old friend: I barely recognize you.
“That’s the look I was going for. “
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[me, trying to join a conversation about Game of Thrones] oh man, there are just so many thrones, I don’t have a favorite really
evening walk in the woods with the grandkids…
Them: Pappy it’s really dark. We’re scared.
Me: You’re scared? I’m the one who has to walk home alone.
Mary Had a Little Lamb, Little Lamb, Little
Lamb. Maybe she wasn’t that hungry.
Lmaooo I thought I bought silver wrapping paper why am I so bad at Christmas
Just lean back in your chair and say “caloric”. It’s exhilerating.
“No way.” -Jose
Me: *washes hands 97 times a day now*
Also me: *hasn’t washed coffee mug since 2003*
When she stops crying and gets really quiet, keep your guard up. You’re experiencing what scientists refer to as “the eye of the shitstorm.”
This guy gets it.
ACED my prostate exam!
[interview]
“Where you see yourself in 5 years?”Doing your job.
“And me?”
Jobless and upset about the divorce
“OMG” *runs out crying*
I took a personality test and hoo-boy I do not appreciate some of the things it is saying about me.
me: have you seen my hoodie?
her: you mean our hoodie???
Me: Do you want to get dressed up for Thanksgiving dinner?
Husband: Sure! What should we wear?
Me: Shoes?
This “band-aid” is bugging me 🤣
Me: *nudges wife* Hey, are you sleeping?
Wife: *pumps shotgun*
2021 is the perfect year to test out my new response to any awkward family Thanksgiving topics: “I don’t wanna talk about ______, I wanna talk about Taylor Swift..”
I’m not like all those other girls
*regurgitates a seagull*
Alien: Take me to your leader.
Me: (nervous af) Look my wife is following a diet and she’s not in the best mood today…
I hate this time of year when you have to check all your razors to make sure none of them are actually made of chocolate
Wish I had the unbridled enthusiasm of a freshly groomed dog heading straight for a mud puddle.
I had 13 items in the 12 items or less line, so I just put a banana in my pocket.
“If anyone has a reason why these two should not be wed, speak now or forever hold your peace”
(from the back)
He saw Creed live in 2003
[in my bedroom]
Me: …and this is where my wife likes to mix things up *winks*
Friend: Gross. What’s the blender for?
Me: I just told you
therapist: what do you think is your greatest fear
me: what if you dropped a baby and it landed on its feet
That job interview was going so well until I realized I was fucked up on acid in the middle of a cornfield naked and talking to a scarecrow.
fighting against the coronavirus by wildly swinging a broom as though there is a bird in the house
He told me to come dressed to kill for our first date…
I now realise my Freddie Krueger outfit was not what he had in mind
[panting, 5 minutes into sex] It’s okay, just go on without me
I never learned how to flirt, I just roast the hell out of guys until they stop talking to me