me: hi i’m on the list
security: there is no list this is kohl’s
me: *slipping him 20 dollars in kohl’s cash* to the VIP section my good man
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My kid told me whenever I don’t wear makeup everyone thinks I look tired. So now we’re playing a fun game of going through the church photo directory to find out exactly who said that about mommy
A 32-year-old man was arrested in England after allegedly stealing a semi-truck that contained 200,000 Cadbury Creme Eggs, police said.
Who knew that a fighter jet could be a flight risk?
When you have a mouse in the house you suspiciously check everything for nibbles before you eat it.
Toddler in the house = same.
I wonder if clouds ever look down on us and say.. “Hey look! That one is shaped like an idiot!
Saving up ketchup packets in the fridge so I can one day open my own restaurant
Today my carelessness made someone late for work. He could lose his job, his home. Sir, if you’re reading this, I can’t replace the extra .74 seconds you sat at that green light, but your honk–still echoing in my soul–serves as a harsh reminder that my actions have consequences
ACQUAINTANCE: So funny seeing you in the grocery store
ME: Yeah ha ha *opens door in freezer section* well this is me lol see ya
Me: where do you want to eat?
My gf, a moth: idc you decide
[arranges a candlelit dinner]
Me: my god, I’ve made a huge mistake
[In the beginning, God created the heavens and earth…]
EARTH: yo
GOD: what?
EARTH: send nudes
GOD: *creates Adam & Eve*
EARTH: nice
Claiming that someone else’s marriage is against ur religion is like being angry at someone for eating a donut because ur on a diet.
the uber app should have what songs the driver’s playing
Does anyone know how to get to Sesame Street? Elmo owes me money.
Them: You need to eat more fresh vegetables!
Me: *going for more freshly baked potatoes* I’m on it!
Waitress: Would you like an omelet?
Me: Sure. Put it in a martini glass with gin and no eggs…
Don’t make me mad or I will replace all your gummy candies with fiber gummies.
yesterday i took apart an egg timer because the ticking was too loud. i thought when I got it open and saw all the gears id know what to do. this was not the case
Kinda miss the Jane Austen era where a man is driven mad by a woman’s hand being ungloved & yet oblivious to her heaving bosom falling out.
{about to have sex}
Her: *seductively kicks off heels and rips open blouse
Me: *panics as I look for a spot to set down my half eaten taco
Me: if I’m not superman then explain THIS! *rips shirt open*
Her: um you’re not wearing the costume
Me: pretty strong though
I don’t understand the expression “on the lamb.” If you’re running away, wouldn’t you choose a faster mount?
I swear babe, I’m a virgin, it must be a miracle.
*Joseph rolls eyes
Has anyone actually seen a dog eat homework?
Pro Tip: wash your hands after you shake mine
sober me: where’s my phone?
drunk me: I’ll never tell
refrigerator: you’re not going to believe this
Sent out a mass text invite to my pity party & Autocorrect turned it into a pita party. Now I’m eating hummus with people I don’t even like.
WANTED: Sanity
LAST SEEN: In store, right before I told my 4 year old that he couldn’t get a new toy
REWARD: 4 year old
LIFE HACK: solve every murder mystery by being the murderer
When you call home on a holiday and get passed around, it’s worse than being included on a group text.
I saw Jesus trending and my heart dropped. My first thought was ‘damn you 2016!’ but then i realized it was just his birthday.