(texting gf) In uber. Be home soon. Cant wait to see you (accidentally pressing dictation button) Ohhhh i want a hamburger so bad. Hot dog too. Ohh man I want a mcchicken. me too. Woww I want a burger. Yeah I want a cheeseburger too. Ohhh wow me too. I want a hot dog.With the bun
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Jesus: my child, when there was only one set of footprints, Fred Flintstone was driving.
A skinny friend told me she’s never hungry and just ‘forgets to eat’, so I drove her out to the woods and left her for dead. Is that wrong?
A parade of slow walkers meander behind my car as I’m trying to pull out of the parking space.
The Scream movies were believable in the 90’s but c’mon, no one with any common sense answers unknown numbers on their phones anymore
I put my phone in airplane mode.
Worst. Transformer. Ever.
I hate when I make a joke and everyone says, “Too soon.”
I’m sorry, if I wait any longer the funeral will be over.
I’ll stop wearing black when they make a darker color
The Beyond Meat COO was arrested for biting a man’s nose. Once again proving you just can’t beat the real thing.
“I better pee first.”
– me, before doing anything
You don’t want to be on any project or mission with a checklist that includes “backup underwear”.
“I think Esmerelda’s in trouble!”
“What makes you so sure, Quasimodo?”
“I have a…”
…
*sunglasses*
…
*turns to camera*
…
hunch.”
Feeling sad? Donuts.
Feeling blah? Donuts.
Feeling upset? Donuts.
Feeling that your husband may be Facebook cheating on you with his skanky old high school girlfriend Brenda? Lots and lots and lots of donuts.
INTERVIEWER: What would you say are your st—
ME: Strengths? Making inferences from minimal data.
INTERVIEWER: Okay. And your we—
ME: Wheat allergies? None whatsoever.
For as long as that song was, you’d think the Ghost Busters would have mentioned their phone number at least once…
Sex so good you see dead people.
Me: Look, you delivered this brand new yet ever since it doesn’t stop making weird noises! I believe I’m owed a replacement under warranty?
The midwife: 😐
Daniel LaRusso: oh man I get it, muscle memory! So the painting was teaching me-
Mr Miyagi: *smug nod* karate
Daniel: sanding the deck was-
Miyagi: karate
Daniel: and collecting your dry cleaning was-
Miyagi: anyway let’s move on
Alternate universe where all appearances of the word “lil” in rappers names have to be replaced with the word “teensy weensy”
I often think that a flower pot falling off of a window sill and onto my head would solve most of my problems.
*grilled cheese
cheese: i want a lawyer
I would like to see the USA go metric before I die just so I can enjoy the outrage that would follow.
People who talk with your phone on speaker like it’s a Star Trek Communicator –
we’re trying to have a society here. And everyone hates you.
P: …
M: …
P: Coal?
M: I was trying to make a diamond.
Proctologist: But that’s not how…
Me: I’m very uptight.
There’s so much going on 😂😂😂
Wife: So what are you going to do in retirement?
Me: My dream is to have my own taco truck.
Wife: You want to run a business?
Me: Business?
Jogging has never helped my memory.
Because of social distancing if someone cuts you off and gives you the finger you can’t get out and fight them which is why I now carry a jousting lance in the Jeep.
The hardest part of your divorce will be finding a recent attractive photo of yourself to upload to dating sites.
[first person to dance] what’s happening to my extremities