Why call it a staple remover and not an upper left corner of the page mangler?
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Me: So now you will deep dive into my lore?
Interviewer: Well, we prefer to call it a background check.
Microsoft Word is the most sensitive thing ever. You move something half an inch and all the pictures move, 3 new pages inserted, fire alarm goes, thunder and lightning, volcano erupts, stock market collapses
I will be answering all questions with both middle fingers this morning.
They were cold and calculating, like an Alaskan mathematician.
Table for six please?
“Is your party coming soon or?”
[Takes 4 turtles and a rat out from coat] I’m going to need booster seats
Me: One day, when you’re older, I’m gonna come to your house and ask you for a snack every 5 min and beg you to take me places and buy me stuff constantly
9yo: …and I’ll say no to all of it, just like you do
[at bank]
Samuel L Jackson turning in swear jar: I need a bank check to buy Rhode Island
I wasted 400 years of my life trying to figure out if I was a vampire.
Lmfaoooooo
My boss at the cheese factory wants to make “cheddar juice” by having us mix orange food coloring into the leftover byproduct. We’ve gotta make a decision: leave tonight or dye this whey.
printer: replace cyan ink cartridge
me: why? It’s a black and white document
printer: need cyan to print it
me: why?
printer: cyan
WAITER: Ready to order?
ME: First, I’d like to hear the chef’s special
WAITER: Oh yes he’s very special
[chef in background sheds a tear]
Everyone sings “Can’t Take My Eyes Off Of You” to their selfies, right guys? Guys?…
Who the hell named it a ” Crop-Top ” and not a ” T-short “?
I think Schrödinger would’ve really liked the microwave.
5: let’s play the quiet game.
Me: Okay
5: ready..? Start.
Me:
5:
Me:
5: whoever talks first is the loser.
The definition of Irony:
Your job sucks
Your kids suck
Your life sucks
Your wife…doesn’t
I really loved the idea of moving and re-decorating until I realized one pillow is literally $25
“Daddy, why is it dark at night?”
It gives the ghosts and zombies a time to run around and collect little kids. Goodnight, hunny.
My ex asked if I have a boyfriend, saying my daughter keeps talking about ‘Jerome’. Jerome is our roomba.
Hello everyone, this is your captain speaking. The plane’s going down. Look, stop screaming, that’s not going to make me a better pilot
(to the tune of We Will Rock You)
I feed my dog dog food
I love going places just to spend the entire time taking my kids to the bathroom
{concert}
lead singer: WHO’S READY TO ROCK?!
me (from the pit trying to clean my glasses with the front of my shirt) JUST A SEC
Me: I’ve never played football but I have been clotheslined by a telephone cord.
My kids: What’s a telephone cord?
All this forehead and I can’t remember what I went into the kitchen for.
I wonder how much deeper the ocean would be without sponges. 🤔
I’m not drunk, I was driving erratically because I had to rescue the cheese that was melting off my Egg McMuffin