You can tell kids you’re friends with the President, they don’t know.
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hello 9-1-1? my girlfriend’s been kidnapped
“stay calm sir, what’s ur girlfriend’s name”
oh she goes to another school u wouldn’t know her
*slides into home plate and crowd goes wild*
Hey everybody, be quiet for a minute!
*pulls out phone, dials number*
Hi mom, I got home safe.
person: calm down
me: *calm immediately goes up*
Dear bill collectors, if you want me to answer the phone, instead of “no caller ID” try something like “free shoes”
[caught sneaking spaghetti into a movie theater] It’s OK, I have a medical marinara card.
My tongue was actually in the Guinness Book of World Records until the damn librarian kicked me out.
EARTH: with your vast wealth you could stop poverty 90 times over
ELON MUSK: [daydreaming] I’m going to put ice cream trucks on the moon
Somebody asked me for a topless picture so I sent this and I can’t stop laughing about it.
I dance like people wish they weren’t watching.
Open-heart surgery is much simpler than most people realize. The key is not to get hung up on whether or not the patient survives.
Police found the neighbourhood paedophile shot in the head 27 times. Authorities ruled it the worst case of suicide in a decade.
just walked out of the grocery store and realized i parked like shit. an absolute garbage approach. i’m so embarrassed. i can’t be seen getting into this car. i’m running away. new life. just the clothes on my back and this cantaloupe
when I’m sound asleep Sunday morning and someone rings the doorbell
Every once in a while I’ll be driving while not eating and think, “Wow, this is way easier.”
On a girl’s vacation while drunk, we all bought hotdogs and then tried to give someone directions. I gestured so emphatically that I slung the wiener right out of my bun and into the street, and then ate it anyway because a $5 dog is a $5 dog. Follow me for more financial advice
“What’s up?” asked the guy with literally no sense of direction.
I’m just a girl, standing at the refrigerator, flipping a Kraft single over and over looking for where the wrapper starts.
if you become a ghost, don’t limit yourself to haunting houses. be the first to haunt a jellyfish exhibit! make a tulip your home and startle a bee. haunt a ball of yarn, get knit into a sweater. remember: it’s your soul that’s eternally damned, NOT your sense of style
Almost got asked for ID this morning!
Ok, most of my face was covered by a mask but I’m still having it!
What animal do I respect most? The octopus. I have no idea what to do with my hands most of the time, and I only have two of them.
Netflix: if you like Murder & Standup
monday
*helps wife get toddler in his high chair*
wife: That’s a new shirt, let’s put a bib on you
me [wearing a bib] This is ridiculous
Me: Can I be frank?
Him: This is 2022, you can be whoever you want to be.
Me: Get out.
*wakes up to wife and son screaming*
me: What are you guys yelling about?
them: YOU’RE DRIVING
*seductively slides hand along store shelf to distract you*
*grabs last bag of Cheetos*
*tucks, rolls, and runs away*
Pasta is very hard to eat when you’re a dog. I know this now.
DOG (watching me stuff my face): Let the Cheez-Its hit the floor. Let the Cheez-Its hit the floor. Let the Cheez-Its hit the–
ME: Ope…
Doctor: *eyes wide*
Me: let me start by saying it seemed like a good idea at the time
I’ve been drinking.