Them: No pets allowed!
My cat: Guess you are gonna just have to wait outside for me…
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white woman who visited India once and owns a bead curtain: Learn to remove negativity from your space. Instead of November learn to say YESvember.
me: that doesn’t make any-
woman: You’re a slave to western medicine. Buy a healing wand from my Etsy. It’s $48 and is a stick.
The way I see it, your dress automatically has two pockets as long as you’re wearing a bra.
My husband said he bought the toupée for me, but then got upset when I put it on. I dont get men.
*During sex*
Wife – *looking up* I thought I asked you to dust the ceiling fan.
Saw Dune last night. Man, that is one sandy movie. Up there with the two sandiest movies of all time, Lawrence of Arabia and Grease.
3: mommy! Come look, I made a water fall
Me: oh dear god
I may seem confident on the outside but deep down on the inside I remember every time I’ve accidentally leaned on a light switch.
me: raises hell
Hell: put me back down!
I’m Scottish and Irish, so when I asked my grandparents for stories they’d just tell me about various family feuds.
Tonight’s special:
Hummus-fed pigeon leg, rolled in coffee grinds, served on a bed of fresh lawn clippings
$105– Fancy restaurants
*Naming my child*
WIFE: What’s the girl version of Matt?
ME:… Mattress?
I didn’t believe in miracles until I folded the laundry this morning and all the socks had a match.
Grandparents these days decide to be called things like Nana or Papa or Mimi but why stop there? I’m going to make my grandkids call me Bobcat.
My husbands pet name for me is “What did you do to the non-stick pan?”
“I missed you today.”
“Awwww I missed you too.”
*both frantically reload dueling pistols*
God: done?
Noah: yea
G: whats this
Noah proudly: a swing set
G: u built a park. I asked for an ark
N: a what?
G: a boat
N: say boat then
“What’s your name?”
“Who’s your daddy?”
“Is he rich like me?”These “reset your password” questions are getting kind of weird.
One minute you’re young and fun and the next, you need a tow out of a beanbag chair.
“It’s cold!”, “Happy birthday!”, “I’m so blessed”, “Political rant!”… There, now you don’t have to go to Facebook today. You’re welcome.
“Clean” my shower? Then what? Give my car a ride into town? Grow up
lower my casket into the ground and play “The Lion Sleeps Tonight” If you see someone not singing the Wimba Way part, kick them out.
Your head is basically just the smartest part of your body wrapped in the spookiest part of your body.
What do you call a denim expert?
A jeanius.
*puts on workout clothes*
*opens a jumbo size bag of Doritos*
It’s just a bunch of grown men too stubborn to ask for directions, so they are driving around in circles.
~Me explaining NASCAR to my daughter
Gonna tell my kids Santa doesn’t come to dirty houses so they have to clean all day tomorrow.
Not a single one of my girlfriends has stuck around to see how many old school WWF finishing moves I know.
You’re 15 and miss the 90’s? Yeah, I’m sure those were the best 2 years of your life. Shitting in your pants and eating dirt.
By the time I say “secondly,” I’m scrambling to come up with what’s “thirdly.”
You have this moment of realization that you have zero survival skills. If you’re like me, you do nothing with this information.