Why do they call it shopping for new countertops and not taking me for granite send tweet
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Finally getting around to calling all those kids that wrote in my middle school yearbook, “We should hang out this summer.”
I’ve hired a circus clown for my funeral.
Not for any of that celebrate my life bullshit, just to sit silently at the back to freak my family out.
Ten bucks says next year Planet Fitness uses the slogan “Flatten Your Curve.”
The next time I lose my car I’m just going to let it find its own way home.
Stop playing that stupid game and pick a Netflix movie Arthur!
I want my boyfriend to get a tattoo on his neck so I won’t have to worry about him getting a job and not having time to hang out with me.
4th of July Pro Tip: If you’re looking for quality, never buy fireworks from a guy with more than seven fingers.
I haven’t exaggerated in over 370 years.
My doctor said I look pretty & I am taking that as her professional medical opinion no take backsies
cashier: ORDER FOR GRANT
me: oh cool
cashier: 25 TACOS READY FOR GRANT
me: ok here I am
cashier: 25 TACOS TO BE EATEN SHAMEFULLY IN THE DARK READY FOR GRANT
me: hey, I’m right here
cashier: 25 TACOS REPRESENTING FEELINGS OF INADEQUACY READY FOR
I find that the secret to not being insecure is to just be better than everybody at everything while being incredibly good looking.
Wife: I love that we finish each other’s-
Me: Drinks?
W: What? No. I was gonna say sentences HEY WHERE’S MY
Me: Margarita?
The trick to falling asleep is putting your phone down. Unfortunately, that’s not a risk I’m willing to take.
[sex in car]
ME: Remember when you could do this without fear of strangers watching?
BF: Yes
UBER DRIVER: Would you like a water?
Anytime my husband upsets me, I just add more shampoo bottles to our shower. Currently, there’s 47.
Woke up with morning Yule Log
Has anyone tried putting all the Wordle answers together to see if they spell out a warning
is it thunder or is someone rolling out their garbage cans to the curb
I finished my iced coffee even though all of the ice had melted, so I’m really crushing my water intake today
My daughter wrote a poem in school about where’s she’s from and she wrote I come from my siblings and I being called tiny dancers and children of the corn so I’ll just be outside waiting for cps.
Me: Please drink your milk.
Me: Please drink your milk.
Me: Don’t forget about your milk.
Me: Have you drank your milk?
Me: Drink. Your. Milk.
3: Yuck, this milk is warm.
Disney movies taught me there’s nothing I can’t accomplish as long as my parents die a brutal untimely death.
Lawyer: Just be confident in there and they’ll believe you
Me: Got it[Later]
Judge: Did you kill him?
Me *confidently* yes
“looks like a burrito fell out his pocket, hes crawling up to get it and crying. thats gonna cost points” – commentators on my snowboard run
I can’t afford a personal trainer so instead I go to the gym and lift incorrectly and wait for 3 different dudes to correct me for free.
Filed a restraining order against Starbucks. Creepy. Every time I turn around, there they are.
72% of dog ownership is asking “what’s in your mouth” and expecting a response
I’m terrified to death of someone stealing my identity and improving my credit
WHY DO WE ALLOW OTHER COUNTRIES TO TAG THEIR NAME ON TO SOMETHING AND SELL US LIES WHEN THEY DO IT WRONG? CANADIAN BACON? ENGLISH MUFFINS?
There’s a serious limit in how much one can take