Inception, but it’s just my girlfriend making sure I don’t cheat on her in my dreams
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Spice up Christmas shopping by entering random fitting rooms, waiting 5 minutes, then yelling, “Hey! There’s no toilet paper in here!”
All I’m saying is Dorothy from The Wizard Of Oz has more confirmed kills than Willy Wonka.
last time i gave my number to a girl from a dating app like 3 texts in i asked her to call in a bomb threat to my job so i could go home and she never replied so i’ve just been kinda takin a break from that for a while
Junior scholars: “I feel awkward citing myself”
Senior scholars: “as I cleverly argued (1988; 1991), admirably reiterated (1993; 1995; 1996); and handsomely concluded (2001; 2004; 2007)…”
I firmly believe in homeopathy because they cure everything with alcohol.
Prince charming: I’m looking for someone with size 5 feet
Cinderella: I have size 5 feet
Prince charming: did we dance at the ball last night
Cinderella: (definitely didn’t leave the house) I absolutely for sure went in a….pumpkin
A couple years ago, I met with a founder who asked me what my thoughts were about starting a company in the credit card space. I told him it was a terrible idea.
Today, his company is growing like crazy and makes millions of dollars every year.
Lesson: Do not ask me for advice
Dracula: you will become a creature of the night. Not alive, but not dead. You will thirst for blood and haunt the land for eternity
Me: but I can play video games all the time, forever?
Dracula: in theory…yes
Me: ok let’s do this
Today we pretended we were dining out and it felt so real because right after the first bite my kids decided to go potty
“How cute. You have smile lines”
Me: those are from clenching my jaw
Is running in front of cars some sort of gang initiation for squirrels?
My kids won’t stop fighting over a balloon in case you’re looking to pinpoint the beginning of my supervillain origin story
The Middle Ages were rough because in addition to famines and plagues you had to deal with getting armor for your horse
As long as the stupid phrase “interracial relationship” exists, I’m going to refer to same race ones as a “color-coordinated relationship.”
[last supper]
Judas: Here, I brought this
Jesus: A bottle of wine? Srsly? I need that like I need a hole in my hand
Judas: *winks at camera*
me: I’ve finally reached the tipping point
waitress: oh thank god!
I’m not asking for a lot, I just want someone down to earth that’s gonna touch me all over like my shower curtain does
Karen, if you can see this, the tupperware didn’t come with the lasagna. The tupperware wasn’t a gift
Son, I’ve made some questionable decisions in life & I must go away for awhile to face the consequences.
How I tell my 5yo I’m off to poop
me: Why is Spider Man in the freezer?
7 year old: He knows why
If I were a literary character, I would be the grandpa in Charlie & The Chocolate Factory that doesn’t get to go
ME: let me take you to a nice dinner
HER: ok
ME: somewhere they make the food right there in front of you
HER: oh like Benihana?
ME: (slipping subway coupons back in my pocket) I guess so
I like to stand next to a stranger on the elevator and whisper, “I read what you said on the internet.”
not saying kids are creepy but my baby just offered me a bite of the teething cracker she was eating, i pretended to take a bite, she laughed, and then she turned to the other side and did the exact same thing to thin air
Grammar Nazi hiding in Argentina captured after being baited on social media with an inappropriate you’re usage
Dentist: Did you deliberately loosen this tooth?
Me: Why would I do that?
D: ok…[extracts tooth & hands me a lolly]
Me: *winks at camera*
[Burger Lounge]
Server: Are you 27?
Me: OMG NO I’M 39 THANK U SO MUCH U MADE MY DAY
Server: I meant your order number, ma’am.
[at restaurant]
Gorgeous hostess: Happy Valentine’s Day! How many?
Me: Just one, thanks.
Wife (clears throat): Two.
[3am]
WIFE: *nudging my shoulder* I can’t sleep, do you wanna…
ME: *suddenly awake*
WIFE: …teach me calculus?
ME: We begin, as we must, with the concept of a derivative
You said imagine my life without you…
So I closed my eyes & am on a beach with a man who knows how to change a toilet paper roll.