I want my eulogy to be someone just doing a dramatic reading of Billy Joel’s song We Didn’t Start the Fire (without the music) while doing an interpretive dance.
You Might Also Like
If you love someone, throw your earbuds at them. There’s a good chance they’ll be entangled in them and won’t be able to run.
Everyone is gangsta until they get one sock wet
Sarah Palin’s new Christmas book is her attempt at valuing the sanctity Christmas so she can sell books and make money just like baby Jesus.
[first day as a bartender]
boss: stop putting OJ in the mojitos
me: *starts serving mitos*
Me: welcome to my she shed
Gynecologist: please don’t call it that
I keep trying to lose this last 180 pounds but he refuses to leave.
This morning I woke from a dream. I have no memory of it except that I was asking someone, “Is constipation a problem for fish?”
Imagine being in a band with Freddie Mercury and thinking “maybe I’ll sing this next one”
Fitbit says it’s time to chase another victim through the cornfield.
Me: Hey look in the water, there’s a bloodstained oar
Friend: That’s foreboding
Me: Damn it Gary I know what they’re for, stop patronizing me
Find someone who looks at you the way a 125 pound dog looks at your lap as you’re trying to eat dinner on the couch
If anyone thought the Weather Channel couldn’t possibly get any louder, please stop by my parent’s house right now
MAR 14: Pi Day
MAR 15: Ides of March
MAR 17: St. Patrick’s DayMAR 16: middle child, left out as usual
Them: I know you’re shy but I can’t carry the conversation forever.
Me: Oh I’m not shy. I am just hoping you will give up soon.
In the Flirtatious Period, the dinosaurs did a hell of a lot of winkin’…
Him: Your test came back, and it’s negative.
Me: Whew! Thank goodness.
Him: No, your math test. You’re failing this class.
“Better to be pissed off than pissed on!”
Actually, I prefer a third scenario where I’m not angry or covered in piss.
[bedtime]
me: babe we forgot to lock the door
him: not it
murderer under the bed: not it
me: fine I’ve got it
I think my neighbor is very sick. I have now seen him putting no less than six of his arms in his garbage over the past year.
Fun prank: Super glue a baby to the floor and see how many people try to pick it up as they walk by
[whale watching]
whale: can someone close the drapes please? He’s back again
Why isn’t ‘ampersand’ spelled ‘ampers&’?
Doctor: This makes no sense. The ultrasound isn’t finding your baby
Wife: Haha, well I guess we know who he takes after
Waldo: *from behind a curtain* That’s my boy
You’re never too old or too stupid to become older and stupider
“Bob’s here”
Bob from work or Bob THE HARBINGER OF DEATH
*an icy wind blows as black clouds consume the sky*
“Bob from work”
*clouds recede*
[in the woods]
Me: *rescues a deer from a bear trap*
Deer: I have a boyfriend
Caught my girlfriend having sex with an abstract artist. He said “it’s not what it looks like”
[breaking up yet another fight]
Me: Why do you always fight with your sisters?
6-year-old: Because I always win.
Dear rock bands,
If I am at your show, assume I am both ready and willing to rock. No need to ask.
I once found a deflated “Get Well Soon” balloon in a graveyard and there’s never been anything more representative of the human condition.