7: is it tomorrow yet?
Me: nope, it’s still today.
7: aww
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I accidentally stepped on my cat’s tail the other day. You could cut the levels of tension, hurt and mistrust with a knife. I feared for my life. Feline retaliation was nigh. That night she threw up on my bed. Balance was once again achieved.
RETIRED STUNTMAN: We didn’t have fancy CGI. If the script said to drive a truck into a dinosaur, we drove a truck into a goddamn dinosaur.
Girl, are you a glass of water because I think you’re about to throw yourself at me.
My crush suddenly stopped texting me today. Either she is in the gravest of danger or she spontaneously decided she hates my guts. Those are literally the only two things that could have happened.
“Dark Side Tech Support.”
“Hi. My hand lightning won’t work. The hate’s flowing thru me, but nada.”
“Try turning the hate off & on again.”
Science: caffeine can cause sleep issues.
Me who drinks a ton of coffee: if only there was something I could do to improve my sleep.
SON: *in James Bond costume*
Look Daddy, I’m a spy!ME: Well if that’s how you introduce yourself, you’re a really shit one.
HER: Can I give you my new number?
ME: *Eye roll* I REALLY doubt you came up with a number I don’t already know.
Sometimes passing by a nursing home is the only reminder I need to go buy my kids whatever they want.
The host of the UK Apprentice sounds like the villain a toothpaste company’s marketing department came up with
Still disappointed that the only hard thing in my bed lately has been my mattress.
No one wants to feel like an obligation. Either commit to them or leave.
I could have been a monk but I missed my chants
alien graffiti can be pretty hurtful 😔
Policeman: Name please
Iggy Pop: Iggy Pop
Policeman: Your FULL name
Iggy Pop: (Quietly) Ignatius Poppadom
Once a toddler learns “why?” It’s all over
Haven’t even received my $1,200 yet and I’m already worried about gold-diggers.
[Work Lunchroom]
Co-worker: Man, remember when we we were poor and used to eat things like Mac n Cheese with hotdog at every meal?
Me: *slowly closing my bag lunch* *nervous chuckle* Haha. Yeah totally.
Nurse: You need to eat or you can’t have your pain meds.
Me: Do the thing.
Nurse:
Me:
Nurse: *holding fork*
[sigh]*makes airplane noise*
Friend: not a fan.
Me: correct. you human.
“NO, YOU CANNOT HAVE CANDY FOR BREAKFAST!” my children yell at me.
Dear Santa, I’ve been good all year. For Christmas can I get zero emails from the PTA, and just one a day from the school?
They say you should throw out anything you haven’t used in six months. There goes the vacuum!
The sign at the zoo said “Please Don’t Touch The Animals” so I put away the book of poetry I was reading to them.
[commercial]
Narrator: These are real people and not actors-Actor watching the commercial: *throws lamp at TV* WE’RE PEOPLE TOO!
i love meeting boys on tinder
When I was pregnant and people would ask where I was registered I’d reply:
Pet Smart, we’re crate training this one
2019: no carbs
2020: eats a loaf of Wonder Bread out of the bag like it’s popcorn at the movies
Hello my name is Morgan and I used to think lingerie was just a fancy way to say laundry