Material possessions mean nothing to me.
*breaks phone*
I don’t think I can make it through this week.
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Got asked to be godfather of my niece, so if anything happens to her parents then someone else has to take care of her because I said no
my Face ID only recognizes me if I have a cookie in my mouth
One of the advantages of being a man is that chocolate doesn’t control you.
Disadvantage: Sex does.
Relevant: Chocolate is easier to get.
Doctor: It doesn’t look good
Me: What? You haven’t even tested me for covid yet
Doctor: Judging by that outfit you’ve clearly lost your sense of taste
BELLE: Some of the servants aren’t handling the transition from furniture back to human very well.
BEAST: What do you mean?
LUMIÈRE, both hands on fire: Yeah, what do you mean?
I want you to rub my belly but I’m going to roll over juuust out of reach
– my dog begging
*wears a clown mask hitchhiking*
Why’s nobody stopping, everyone loves clowns, right?
Arnold Schwarzenegger’s Terminator is a drapery salesman in the new movie.
His new catchphrase?
“I’ll be back….with some swatches I think you’re just going to LOVE.”
If you love someone, poison them a little bit each day. If they don’t suspect you at all, they might be the ONE.
Enter Sandman is my favourite song about why I don’t have sex on the beach.
wife: have you seen the dog bowl?
me: *imagining it* no but I want to
Edgar Allan Poe Because Edgar Allan Got No Job
How we blocked people in the 90s 😄
If a dragon flew overhead right now, I’d be surprised but not surprised surprised
ME: can you believe they are banning plastic straws and you have to bring your own
FRIEND: that sucks
ME: yes one that sucks, that’s how straws work
Today’s Tarot Card: It’s not the destination that matters; it’s the huge number of enemies you’ve made along the way.
an hour into The Sound of Music “yes. this is what music sounds like.”
A little boy looked at my tie the other day and told me that he really liked my leash.
I hope to stop crying soon.
Tall people are my favourite because I can grab them by the torso and shake them like a tree
Me: *Sitting in traffic*
Cop: Get back in your car
Me: your dress is too revealing
Wife: wear your own clothes then
If you watch Titanic backwards it’s about a boy named Jack who leaves his underwater home, saves a rich lady, puts a sinking ship back together through sheer power of will and then becomes super poor and dirty
*butterfly climbing out of chrysalis*
oh my god I’m turning into my mother
I hope this email finds you. And when it finds you it will make you pay.
Life is a letter soup that has too many consonants and not enough vowels and all you can spell is borscht
Me: Look, I love you, But I made exactly the amount of cheese & crackers I want to eat right now.
Wife: But I only…
Me: EXACTLY the amount
Me: Thanks for taking the time
Interviewer at Facebook: Sure, let me start by telling you something about yourself
this girl I went to college with got super hot and married a rich guy and lives overseas and doesn’t work and does triathlons for fun BUT her fitness insta only has 200 followers and I have 8,000 on Twitter just by being lazy and depressed so, in your face Mandy who’s winning now
“Ah yes, well, the laws of quantum mechanics” is what I’m going to start saying, very pretentiously, when someone says something I don’t understand.
Vacations in your single 20s: backpacking Europe, hiking a Hawaiian volcano, relaxing poolside in St Croix with a book & a cocktail
Vacations in your 40s with kids: WHY IS SAND ON EVERYTHING, STOP FIGHTING, NO DESSERT FOR YOU, WE’RE ALL GOING TO BED EARLY