Imagine how hard it must have been before photography existed, having to hold a pose in the bathroom while painting your selfie.
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Tell your household jumble of working & non working miscellaneous cables I said hi
Guy who pronounces HOA like boa
butterfly in the sky, i can go twice as high?? You’re starting your song dissing a key pollinator? For what?
It breaks my heart to think that of the 100 million hardworking pads of paper in this country, only about 20% are legal.
My son asked my 7yo how she would survive a bear attack and she replied she would try to be his friend, thus making her the most adorable of my children but also the least likely to survive an encounter with an actual bear.
Don’t worry little groundhog, when I stick my head outside and see what’s going on in the world today I run back inside and hide too.
2nd month dating: A thousand lifetimes with you would not be enough.
2nd month of marriage: OMG you are the loudest cereal chewer on earth!
The first thing I’m going to do when my kids move into homes of their own is machine gun fire toothpaste spit all over the faucet and mirror in the bathroom.
If you make a cup of coffee in the office after 3pm people act like you’re doing a line off the counter
Cartman: Respect my
a a
Closing time, son
“Huh?”
You don’t have to go home but you can’t stay here
“But I live here Dad”
*Dad stares at me*
Don’t forget your Xbox
Why should I have to stop talking about my ex, a relationship that ended a mere year ago, when Hollywood won’t stop making movies about world war 2, a war that ended like 20 years ago?
Before you refer to someone as your ex, make sure they know you dated.
I once snuck my cat into a grocery store just to show him what a lazy hunter I am.
Elf on the Shelf Log:
Day 1: I hung him from a lamp, oh the hilarity.
Day 6: I think he IS moving at night.
Day 9: He’s in my liquor again.
Day 12: Wife and kids moved out, Jingles thinks it’s for the best.
Day 21: *house burns, sirens wail in the distance.
Instead of cursing and swearing when someone cuts me off in traffic, I just yell lyrics from Spice Girl songs out the window
The only time your man will surprise you is when you specifically tell him what you want.
Her birthday balloon sinks to eye-level and wanders the house all night like some evil disco ghost of calligraphy.
Little kids are like sponges: always damp, little bits of food stuck all over them, faint smell of mildew…
judge: we hereby find you guilty of parrot smuggling
me: this is bullshit
*from jacket* this is bullshit
Elon Musk made $180M when PayPal was acquired in 2002.
He put $100M in SpaceX, $70M in Tesla, and $10M in Solar City. He borrowed money for rent.
Now, he’s worth $190 billion.
The greatest entrepreneurs aren’t driven by money; it’s a byproduct of success.
*opens facebook messenger*
*sips mtn dew twice*
*strokes neckbeard*
*begins typing*
Sorry abt ur mom dying
Tis a shame
Btw ur attractive
Me: I spy with my little eye something beginning with i
Other Titanic lookout: hmmm
My bra as colander, catching stray food since age 15.
Imagine working hard to buy a home and then, out of nowhere, deciding to let a bunch of tiny idiots live with you rent free. Welcome to parenthood.
I use the incognito browser to search how to do the things I told my wife I know how to do
It’s really telling how society and Hollywood has been producing all sorts of content about others, but almost none about me, personally 🤔
10: Mom, would you hand me some gum?
Me: Sure, what flavor?
10: Swordmint
Me:
10: Sharpmint
Me:
10:
Me: Spearmint?
10: YES!
If you think fruit is better than candy just remember Eve ate an apple, not a Reese’s.
“You couldn’t handle me at my worst”
OMG, you mean this isn’t it.
And that’s how the fight started.