quick how do i lose 15lbs in a month without changing a single thing
You Might Also Like
I’m sorry I threw up on your kid but to be fair, he threw up on me first.
Yoda: In the Light Side, the real power is.
Luke: The Emperor controls the galaxy. You live in a swamp.
On the plus side, I don’t think anyone will ever again use the term “staycation.”
My superpower is convincing my family I spent all day cleaning by lighting a few candles
When my 4 year old asked where babies come from my toddler immediately responded, “mail man.” Now I feel like I owe my husband a phone call and we need to cut back on our online shopping.
I quit smoking ten years ago, but every once in a while, I still enjoy a camel when I’m driving.
her: i’m a night owl
me: i’m an early bird
my worm: oh no!
Me: *just died* I can finally rest without my kids waking me up for dumb shit
Son using Ouija board: HEY MA
“Man did I just waste $7?”
-Vampire in the carnival Hall of Mirrors.
When the girl working the counter says “would you like fries with that?” say..”are you calling me fat??” then burst into tears. Free meal.
A little boy looked at my tie the other day and told me that he really liked my leash.
I hope to stop crying soon.
Don’t get mad. Get windchimes.
Twitter has ruined my chance at a political career.
Thank goodness.
waiter: can i start you off with something to drink?
me: milk for me please
date: [visibly disappointed]
me: uh make that 2 milks
Me: Yeah like that, baby.
Him: *caresses my back, plays with my hair*
Me: *moans*
Him: *growls* I’m gonna do so many–
Me: *snores, drools*
[inventing alcohol]
What if there were an elixir that made me want to fight a police horse
*putting a top hat on my dog*
Dog: *thinking* Like I don’t already have enough reasons to kill you in your sleep.
Marriage counselor: ok, let’s reflect on the last week’s session
Dracula: *snickering* I can’t reflect on anything
Dracula’s wife: are you even going to try and take this seriously?
My kiddo came into my room, kissed my forehead and said “I’m sorry you’re fat.”
How’s your morning?
A couple introduced me to their new born baby, “Herriot,” and I was like oh wow how old is she, 87?
[Calling concert venues across the country]
Hi yes, I’m just calling to let you know that on your website you spelled “weekend” incorrectly
Okay
My kids and I have developed an intricate system of hand gestures to communicate nonverbally. Our go to gesture is the throat slit.
Facebook: Look at my perfect life
Instagram: Validate me harder
Twitter: Does this look infected?
“I don’t have to outrun the bear! Just you!” Wrong. Bears are so sick of that joke, they skip the slow guy and eat the fast guy now.
Feeling authoritative. Gonna comment “behave yourself” under pictures of people just having a good time.
Wife: please don’t let our daughter dress herself anymore.
Me: oh. wow. ok.
Wife: what?
Me: nothing, it’s fine.
Wife: you dressed her this morning didn’t you?
Guys, my husband has been watering A PLASTIC PLANT I put in his home office since March…
medium: so you want to contact your wife
me: I can still hear her voice
wife: [howling] let me iiiiiin
me: it’s like she’s watching me
wife: [through window] I forgot my keys
What idiot called it Oktoberfest instead of Octo-Bar?