Just found out I’ve been drinking straight up cold brew concentrate that’s supposed to be diluted 4 parts to 1, and now I know why I’ve been able to feel my scalp for the last month
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Superheroes come from broken homes & inattentive parents.
Parents, stop hugging your kids. We need a Batman.
interviewer: can you work overtime?
me: *nodding* and space
you know that feeling, as a kid, you’re out shopping with your mom, and
shopkeeper, be like $1,200,
then mom, without shame, be like $17.so you jump to death from the check-out desk.
“This is from the both of us”
– my parents giving me mental illness
him: send me a video showing me what you want me to do to you
me:
Everyone loves a picture of a good rack.
I went to high school with these people on Facebook, so I’m confused on how they didn’t learn HOW TO SPELL.
i’m still crying at this
[Throwing change in a well]
Me: I wish you well.
Well: I already am a well.
Me: Table for one, please.
Waiter: Would you like to see the men–
Me: YES.
I love the idea of a fruitarian, just morally affronted that anyone could eat a baby spinach.
daughter: daddy! daddy! did you see how high i jumped?
me [eyes closed, blind folded, 3000 leagues under the sea in a deprivation chamber]: yes, wow that was so amazing!!!!
Unfortunate story layout on Apple News this morning.
New trend:
“Haunting”
It’s the opposite of ghosting. You break up, but hang around relentlessly.
Hang in there, you can do it.
-Canadian bathroom graffiti
Robber *gun to my head* sign in to your account
Me *wiping tears* I can’t remember my password
Robber: Ask for a hint. And if you cry again, I’ll shoot
Me: ok ok
Computer: What was the name of your first dog?
Me: oh no
For the record ladies, your insecurities about your bodies is a bigger turn off to guys than your bodies ever could be.
Ok, new plan, I’m gonna marry a Kardashian.
1st Date
Me: Just warning you. I get freaky.
Her: Oh yeah? How freaky.?
Me:*thinking of using pizza rolls as a pizza topping* So freaky.
If you get caught about to eat food off the floor, just pretend you lost your contact.
Misery loves company,
and apparently that’s why my parents invite me over every Thanksgiving weekend.
My husband coughing the moment I got the baby to sleep is why spouses are the number one suspect in homicide cases.
[Adopts emotional support dog]
Me: *Vents*
Dog: Runs away*
Teacher: What were Romans doing in year 400
Me: IDK, Roming?
My dad left to get a pack of cigarettes 30 years ago and still hasn’t come back. That’s why I never started smoking. I just don’t have the time.
When planning dinner, remember that ice cream has both calcium and protein
When a meteorologist gets angry they storm out
Is it wrong when your therapist invites other therapists to your session, wine is flowing, appetizers are served, and he says to you, begin?
All these laws are really getting in the way of my driving.
What did this chicken ever do to them?? 😂😂😂