Sometimes I like to purchase every item on a person’s Amazon wish list for myself and then let them know I’m living their best life
You Might Also Like
What’s the smallest amount of money you would reach into a toilet to get? Mine is a skittle.
I wonder if Batman ever saw the Batsignal and thought ‘I’ve literally just sat down.”
If youre a serial killer & you dont call your murder shack a ‘bloodshed,’ well I’ve just about given up on you
Always buy ‘hand wash only’ shirts whenever you want to wear something once and then throw it into a ‘hand wash only’ basket for 15 years.
Peter Pan is my favorite story about how running away from all your problems will allow you to remain youthful and to possibly fly someday
Winters, when your handwriting turns out the same no matter which hand you use.
[trying to impress a girl]
Me: *turns speed up*
Me: *turns speed up*
Me: *turns speed up*
Me: *turns speed up*
Me: *turns speed up*
Me: *turns speed up*
Me: *turns speed up*
Me: *turns speed up*
Me: *turns speed up*
Me: *flies off treadmill*
I’m just like King Midas except everything I touch complains to human resources
me irl
Today I beat my personal record of consecutive days alive.
I’m no expert on bangs but I assume they’re not supposed to make you look like you have a raccoon stapled to your forehead
I wish my therapist followed me on Instagram so she could see that I baked a cool loaf of bread, proving that I’m fine and there’s nothing wrong with me.
I spent all day yesterday trying to fix our POS roomba
Then the wife came home and asked why I had the bathroom scale tore apart
I guess we don’t have a roomba
Strip search? Fine but I’m going to need some music.
I started to clean house this evening, but my cat talked me into taking a nap.
Why should I trust my gut? My gut can’t even tell the difference between “I’m hungry” and “I’m bored” and that’s literally its only job.
Wore my clip-on, flip-up sunglasses in my dating profile pic, because women don’t easily forget something like that.
My brother never donates blood because he hates the thought that his blood is having more fun in somebody else than it ever did in him.
FUN GAME: Ride a bicycle with an empty baby seat on the back down a busy street whilst loudly saying “You’re being VERY well behaved.”
I created a series of recipes that cause diarrhea. I call them cleanses. It’s all about branding.
Dishwasher broke, so now I’m washing them all by hand like some sort of motherless Disney Princess.
“Is white wine all you have?”
No, I can do any
I love when young people try to insult me and say ‘It’s way past your bedtime old man’. Bro, it’s not an insult, it’s a reminder.
wife’s facebook post: so proud of 8, he’s trying so hard in school! mama loves you!
wife’s text to me: he failed gym. gym!! i need a drink
October already? What’s next? November????
My dog probably thinks her name is Jesus Christ
looking for a 5 bedroom 3 bath house for $30
Who wants to hear about my Wordle streak? Anyone? Hey, where ya guys going?
[pulled over]
Cop: Have you been drinking?
Me: No
Cop: *tosses me a sock* Stand on one foot and put this on
If there’s a kid acting like an adult in your ad I will not buy your product and I’ll buy your competitor’s product even if I don’t need it.