Me: Everyone! We’re having a baby!!
Them: What is it?
Me: I literally. Just. Said.
You Might Also Like
So I listened to some LL Cool J then kept licking my lips like he does. I found myself in HR. Good thing I wasn’t listening to KISS.
I was always told that women can’t have it all but I just ate two everything babies.
If you only see two signs about a raccoon room today, make it these two.
Marriage is for people who want their break ups to involve paperwork.
[heist]
Me: *presses stethoscope against bank safe
Thief: well?
Me: omg…
[cut to safe being pushed rapidly down hospital corridor]
If you ever light anything on fire accidentally, just tell people you’re boycotting something.
[9 PM, Sunday night]
Child: Oh. I need to bring in 36 cupcakes to school tomorrow.
[job interview]
“So where do you see yourself in 5 years?”
Getting asked this question somewhere else
Whenever I sing, my mom goes outside. Not to get away from me, but to prove to my neighbors that she’s not beating me.
“I found a stick… and it comes with a hat!” 😂💛
goldiesglobe
Me: (plops myself next to 9 on his bed)
9: Wow. You’re heavy. You made a mini earthquake
Me: (pushes 9 off the bed)
9: What the heck was that?!
Me: Aftershock
If I were a music critic I would write things like, “He really steered that car into the driveway” or “Her music makes me want to eat a quality pizza”
My dad worked on a car assembly line for 40 years. He retired years ago but still struggles with post pneumatic press disorder.
Hey girl, did it hurt? Did it hurt when you had to use your fingernails to rip through the dense layers of sediment on your way up from Hell
Cocktail shrimp is just regular shrimp in a little black dress.
The correct amount of coffee is the amount where, if you perished, your heart would continue to beat for a good 2-3 days.
‘Trying to figure out why the police and I seem to chase the same type of guys’
i am tired of the human pretending. they don’t control the weather. sometimes they open the door. and it leads into the rain. but i have literally seen them. open the exact same door. and it be sunny on the other side
*Boyfriend gets in bed*
Him: Wanna fool around?
Me: *Doesn’t hear him because I’m tipping the cheetos bag directly into my mouth*
*Hears something go bump in the night.
Me: *jumping out of bed. Who’s there?
Ghost: Oh shit, I woke the scary one.
“Is that a car alarm going off? Someone must be trying to steal it I better call the police!”
– literally no one ever
girls literally only want one thing..
*posts Social Security number on social media*
*hopes someone steals his identity and pays off his mortgage*
All panties are edible if you’re dedicated enough.
ME: Behold! I’ve invented the ultimate truth serum!
WIFE: I never loved you
ME: Wait, no, you’re supposed to drink it first
[commercial for soup]
Have you ever wanted to eat regular food only with water poured all over it?
NARRATOR: SOUP
Me: I know exactly what’s wrong with me, Doctor.
Dr: I told you no Google. You Googled, didn’t you?
Me: NO!
Dr: <blink>
Me: One TINY Google.
how to achieve the perfect smokey eye: apply eyeliner yesterday
ME: Who’s my little sex kitten?
HER: *slowly pushes me off bed*
ME: [from floor] That’s right baby.
Child: If I was drowning at the same time as our dog, who would you rescue first?
Me:
Child:
Me:
Child:
Me: You, of course.
Child: That took you way too long to answer.