*alarm goes off* me: how much do I really NEED this job?
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Me: I’ll get a cappuccino and a furtado
Barista: What’s a furtado?
Me: It’s like a bird
So if you eat what you like and don’t exercise, eventually you get a motorised scooter.
I’m really not seeing the down side here.
Daddy, where do oranges come from?
Well son, when a red and a yellow really love each other…
[my funeral]
PRIEST: we are here for Robert-
*one guy in the back of the room boos*
Cop: Why were you driving so fast in this rain?
Me: I thought no cops would want to get out in this rain.
Me: Can I dip my breadstick in your Alfredo sauce?
Him: Usually it’s me asking you that.
13YO: SHUT UP. STOP IT RIGHT NOW!
Netflix: Watch it again
Me: No! I have things to do, people to talk to, and I haven’t been outside in 3 days
Netflix: Watch it again
Me: ok
Whenever someone calls me, instead of texting, I just assume they’ve had a horrific accident and have lost the use of their fingers & thumbs
When my wife asks me to do that one thing in the bedroom that she really likes, she’s talking about vacuuming.
satan: not today, microsoft teams
Told my mum someone had been shot and she asked with what? I wanted to reply ‘with a cutlass’ but I want her to pay for masters…
My mom has a rule that we do nothing on Christmas that Jesus didn’t do. Apparently, Jesus drank a pitcher of martinis & hit on the caterer..
You know you’re desperate for a night out when the babysitter tells you they have lice and for a split second you think: stick on a damn hat and get over here
“It doesn’t matter what you look like on the outside”
ME: Oh thank god
“It’s who you are on the inside”
ME: Dang
Do I have any plans? What do I look like, a goddamn architect?
you are so beautiful without makeup.
-my husband, after he saw i spent $62 on an eyeshadow.
My daughter is too old for Disney channel movies so I obviously need another kid.
A psychiatrist is just a friend you pay to listen to your problems because your other friends are tired of hearing about them.
looks like the dishwasher has a nice side hustle going
MOM: One more word and you are grounded missy
ME: (terrified of being electrocuted) Yay!
*getting sexy boudoir photos taken for my husband*
Photographer: Ma’am, in the next shot, could you please put down the cheeseburger?
Day 3 of quarantine: I haven’t showered for weeks
GOOD COP: Three robberies in the same neighborhood …do you know what I’m thinking?
PSYCHIC COP: Yes
GOOD COP: Oh right
Friend who once recommended a movie where the dog died: Don’t worry, you can trust me
Me *whispers*: never again
Once I saw a post about someone setting up a snail habitat and they included empty snail shells in a tiny graveyard, in case mourning was an essential snail need
ME [about to be murdered at work]: haha this is a no kill shelter
GRIM REAPER: well shit
Papa don’t preach
I’m in trouble deep
Papa don’t preach
I’ve been losing sleep
But I made up my mind
I’m keeping my baby velociraptor
Mid-flight turbulence is just god’s way of preforming confessions at scale
Milk Cube