What I say:
Get dressed
Brush teeth
Get in the carWhat my kids hear:
Have a snack
Shriek like monkeys
Open 3 umbrellas indoors
Go poop
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Should I buy a pizza? Heads I do, tales I ignore the coin.
*bends over to pick a four leaf clover but gets struck by a falling ACME safe before doing so*
Me: That’s a very interesting sculpture
Her: It’s Mayan
Me: Yes, I know it’s yours. You don’t have to be a jerk about it
I’ve seen The Blair Witch Project and that’s all I need to know about camping.
Oh you’ve jumped out of an airplane? Well, I’ve run down the stairs in SOCKS, so I think we’re even
I’d like to thank the British for wearing red coats and making it easier to shoot them 238 years ago. We couldn’t have done this without you
Am I the only one that still asks barking dogs if there’s someone stuck at the bottom of a well?
You could go camping or you could stay at home, not shower, leave dirt on the floor and let some squirrels in.
After reading some marriage tweets I’m beginning to suspect we all may have been married to the same person.
It’s too bad my sister wasn’t kinder to me in middle school.
**orders nephew a bullhorn for Christmas**
Married foreplay is just five minutes of confusion about whether your spouse is using a suggestive euphemism or asking you to do a chore.
People who say “in and of itself” are responsible for most of the trouble in the world.
ME: “Aloe Vera”
VERA: “Aloe”
Friend: I need your advice.
Me: Wear less eyeshadow.
Friend: I meant about my love life.
Me:
Friend:
Me:
Friend:
Me: Wear less eyeshadow.
Me: they’re coming!
911: can you hide?
Me: they’ll find me!!
911: stay calm
Me: the door is opening…help!
“Mooom! We want a snack!!”
“I’m still a virgin”
-theres plenty of fish in the sea
“Ur right. I’ll find someone”
-no, I mean u should give up & be a lonely fisherman
Seduce Angela Merkel by fondling the hem of her cardigan while whispering “Aren’t you too pretty to be a Chancellor?”
Any time a car with its hazards on passes me, I panic thinking I’ve wandered into a funeral procession and now I have to lie to a dead stranger’s family.
I’m supposed to wear a blouse and slacks to an event. This looks like a job for FuneralPants.
“The Godfather” teaches us that:
1. Nothing is more important than family and
2. Our families are always trying to kill us.
5-YEAR-OLD: mommy, what happens if I turn 100 years old?
MY WIFE: you get a special certificate from the president
5: what happens if I turn 150?
W: you die
My apartment is a mess, I should move
If I ever found a unicorn it would probably only be about 5 minutes before I put it’s horn in my mouth.
My 4yo just told his fish that he “needs a little space.” Dude, just step away from the tank.
PMS: Going to the dentist?
ME: Yeah.
PMS: Gonna tell him what happened?
ME: *flashback of biting into an ice cream container*
Nah.
Whenever I get my hair cut I always take a ‘before and after’ photo outside the barber’s shop. Here’s the latest…
why would anyone want a baby? it’s just another thing you have to clean
You know it’s time to quit smoking when you laugh at a tweet and you sound like Muttley.
maybe you want plastic surgery to have a cute button nose. i want plastic surgery where i can burst into a thousand bats like dracula whenever i want.