Me: No serial killer will ever lure me into their murder van. I’ m too smart for that.
Murderer:
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Having hot lemon water every morning is definitely working. I’ve never felt more arrogant.
The movie ‘Up’ is utter bullshit. I tied 57,000 balloons to my house & my wife didn’t die.
Either Mercury is in retrograde or I made a series of poor choices that have since born fruit, but who can argue with the planets?
My kids are teenagers, and I’ve found the same thing fixes their bad moods as when they were toddlers: a snack and a nap.
If you’re not following me and received this tweet, it’s because someone is smarter than you.
i don’t trust someone who says their ideal date is a “hike”
Putting kids to bed is like, I love you but I really need you to leave me alone for the next 8 hours.
If the interviewer asks where you see yourself in 5 years
Standing naked on top of a fire truck does not appear to be the correct answer
The worst thing about owls is the way they can maintain eye contact when you put them in a microwave.
therapist: so, what do you say when she says that
me: you sound like your mom
therapist: 🤦🏻♀️🤦🏻♀️🤦🏻♀️
I bet Santa has 3 lists now:
Naughty, nice, and people who’ve left him healthy snacks instead of cookies.
My son LOVES dogs and is TERRIFIED of them. Which is EXACTLY how I feel about my WIFE.
‘What’s that smell?’
‘I think a squirrel died in the walls.’
‘This is your car’
[first day as a snake charmer]
me: ayy wussup king damn what that tongue do long boi lmao u got room in that wicker basket for two or what
cobra: *striking me several times about the face, neck, and chest*
My patronus is a cheeseburger
[deciding when to tweet]
Me: *throws grass into the air* Not yet
The sooner you admit that you’ve made a mistake, the sooner you can move on to making bigger and better mistakes.
wife: im pregnant
me: what? im not ready to be a mother we still have petty arguments
wife: im the mother
me: this is what I’m talking about
[commercial for salad]
Do you want to feel sad when you eat?
date: I’m sick of bad boys, I want something more
me: *puts Bad Boys 2 into the VCR* this is gunna blow your mind
Why are the moths in this damn desert bigger than birds
My kid is singing “Mac-n-cheese” to the tune of “Stand by Me.”
You guys just tried it, didn’t you?
When you’re running late, don’t tell your kids you’re running late cause they won’t move any faster and they’ll say fun things like, “I’m fine being late”.
I fell asleep listening to the Red Hot Chili Peppers and woke up illiterate.
me: my friends:
Me to my toddler: Listen up, small human. Here are some farm animal sounds you should learn to prepare you to climb the corporate ladder.
Maybe put an Apple Air Tag in your F-35 jets.
‘My Dad was asking me how was the Duo Lingo concert?’
Never play poker at the zoo. Too many cheetahs.
An F wouldn’t be such bad grade if the scale went from A to Z. That’d be like a…whatever percent. Sorry, I got a W in math.