THERAPIST: How does that make you feel?
ME: “Mphh mophh wampph.”
T: Again, this works better if you don’t lie face down on the couch.
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Went to praise an animal, got stuck between saying “good girl” and “good dog”, and just quietly muttered “good god” at a spaniel
Your honor, may I approach the bench?
“You may.”
*walks up to bench*
*boops judge’s nose*
I’m like if a scented trash bag was a person.
*Han thaws and smashes to the ground in a massive heap, after being frozen in carbonite*
Han Solo: Who are you?
Princess Leia: Someone who loves you… but let’s you thaw and smash to the ground in a massive heap after being held frozen in carbonite.
I get Botox so my face won’t show people what I really think.
my dad is heart reacting pics of my mom that he himself sent in the family group chat
Disappointed it’s raining this weekend
Was totally going to do that job I’ve been putting off for 6 months
😳😳😳☕️☕️☕️☕️🤪🤪
My son just asked what erectile dysfunction is so I told him it’s when your anaconda don’t want none regardless of the presence of buns.
Clark Kent: How’s your lunch?
Bruce Wayne: This soup is great.
CK: don’t
BW: You could even say
CK: please don’t
BW: It’s Souper, man
Judge: Have you any words before I pronounce sentence?
Me: Yes. Could you also pronounce Worcestershire?
That’s so nice of Activia to offer a money back guarantee. Am I supposed to send them pictures of myself not shitting?
Meanwhile, at the local farmer’s market…..
I always wonder if dogs secretly hate playing fetch. If they’re like “these idiot humans keep losing their sticks & it’s up to me to go find them”
What’s the difference between carbon monoxide and spouses?
Carbon monoxide is a silent killer.
Don’t cry because it’s over smile because you had a solid alibi & no one will ever find the body.
“My hair is noisy”
“My toe nails are itchy”
“someone peed in my pants”– A list of my 4 year-old’s 3 a.m. Grievances.
12: Dad, why haven’t we ever eaten at Applebee’s?
Me: Because I love you.
Where’s the Google setting that says “I’m researching this for my job. I don’t actually want a roll of a thousand coffee mug stickers”?
Me: I’ll sleep when I’m dead.
[Dies]
Grim Reaper: I’m going to need you to journey with me to the afterlife.
Me: Dammit
*Sits straight up in bed*
“THE CHILDREN”*Kids are sitting in the produce department while two watermelons sleep peacefully in their beds*
I hate when people take my glasses, put them on, and say, “Ohhh, you really can’t see” ..NO shit..
Find someone more giddy with excitement than my husband who stopped the car between the Canada-US border to joke that we left the kids in another country
The neighbors saw me plow over three sprinkler heads trying to back out of the driveway, so now I need to move.
Just wanted to let you all know that I have been admitted into hospital and they are keeping me in. I’ve only gone and poisoned myself, thanks to my cooking skills. What I thought was an onion for my salad turned out to be a daffodil bulb. They said I should be out early spring.
Highway to Hell is my favorite song about driving to work
My sense of humor has been described as “please stop” and “you’re ruining dinner”
BAE: wats for lunch
ME: i feel like a sandwich
BAE: u dont LOOK like a sandwich
ME: [secretly been trying to dress sandwichly for weeks] oh.
Have a teen so when she’s five minutes late for Cross Country practice, it’s your fault for driving the “long way.” Nevermind practice started at 6:00, and she got into the car at 6:01. Those details are irrelevant.
I don’t wanna last longer in bed, I got post coital jokes.