Wife: OMG this checker is so slow at the grocery store
Me doing the self-checkout: I can hear you
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“Shrooms before brooms,” I say to the coven of stereotypical witches who have quite magically appeared in my living room.
[showing people around museum] and if u look to ur left you’ll see a bunch of uppity people who get reaaal weird when you lick the paintings
[movie date]
me: i snuck in some snacks
date: omg !!!!!
me: *holding ramen noodles* do u have any boiling water
There should be an energy drink named 6 AM toddler.
I have two dogs. One named Rolex and one named Timex.
They’re watchdogs.
date: “i like dangerous guys, are you dangerous?”
[thinking about the amount of plugs i have in one outlet behind the tv]
me: “yes i am”
Act happy in the supermarket checkout line to contradict the sad story unfolding on the conveyor belt.
My neighbours were furious last time I held a yard sale.
I sold their house.
No you dumb uncultured idiot, just because I’m an Indian doesn’t mean I use a flying carpet to get around. I use an elephant like everyone else.
When mad at the hubby, I just tweet about it. I don’t sleep with a waitress that looks just like him. I’m talking to you David Arquette.
The first rule of Running Late Club is get stuck behind a Prius.
Tonight, people who are weaker, slower, and dumber than you will deliver bags of treats to your very doorstep. Seize this moment.
ME: I wish I was a little bit taller
GENIE: done
M: I wish I was a baller
G: done
M: I wish I knew the rest of the lyrics
G: done
M: dammit
Hello 911? I was doing that thing where you pretend to walk down stairs behind a couch only it worked. I have no idea where I am. Help me.
I may not look like the toughest guy at the bar but I was a psychology major, I studied writing for decades, and you do NOT want me sending your boss a message on LinkedIn
A high five is like a regular five that laughs at everything and gets the munchies.
Hey girl, on a scale of ‘Neo’s mind in the beginning of The Matrix’ and ‘Neo’s mind at the end’, how free are you tonight?
If you’re ever bored in a taxi I recommend mouthing, “Help Me” to strangers and watching their facial expressions
People this one of the best days ever (next to the time with the guy in a van) @funTweeters is now following me- suck it Dane Cook
Sure visiting family can be hard but it’s also the most efficient way to explain to your partner why you are the way you are
Best table by far
Hold that thought while I slip into something more comfortable.
*moves to Fiji*
7YO: Can you buy me a Ken so that Barbie can date him?
Me: Here just use this Captain America
4YO: (tearing into room) HE CAN’T DATE YOUR BARBIE HE’S BUSY GIVE HIM TO ME
#parenting
Please remind your boss & Aunt Linda that I’ve trademarked the phrase “in these uncertain times” and they each owe me 50 bucks.
If by retirement plan you mean a swear jar, then yes I do have a retirement plan.
*goes to Costco to stock up*
*comes home with all the Doritos*
*Held up the grocery line because the card reader couldn’t read my Apple Watch*
Elderly Man behind me: (Exhales) Let’s move this along, future boy
no of course i don’t laugh at my own jokes. i also cook food i’m allergic to and buy clothes that make me look like shit
[immortal aliens studying us]
After about 80 years, they enter a larval stage and lie dormant underground. We don’t know what happens next.