Wife: He misunderstands everything.
Counsellor (to me): What does she mean?
Me: It’s a feminine pronoun.
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Critic: I don’t like your work
Me: buddy, *I* don’t like my work
Got rid of all those dangerous Tide pods when I gave them away on Halloween.
Every man wants a smart woman until he wants to win an argument.
Her: Why are you still calling? You know it’s over between us.
Him: You know why.
Her: *sighs, calls dog to phone*
i made a promise to myself that if i ever get an island the first thing that i will do is put some dinosaurs on it.
[dog walking a human]
*walks by a coffeeshop with its door open*
HUMAN: *tries to sprint in* COFFEE
DOG: woah boy *pulls leash* easy there
ME: i’m having a lovely time tonight
my date: why do u keep yelling “ME” before every sentence
Sorry I’m late my grocery store rearranged all their aisles 2 years ago
Do you ever walk out of a bathroom and want to put a sign on the door that says “I was just peeing It smelled that way when I went in there”
Who called them ghosts instead of post-existing conditions?
me: “why was she called the little mermaid, she was 5ft7?”
therapist: “i meant anything bothering you about your marriage keith”
Sorry I replied “yikes” to your selfie.
They say you become what you hate and so I am terrified I’m going to become a young, vibrant beautiful man who’s loathful life is full of undeserved luck and success.
Steve Buscemi is the only reported case of the saying “If you keep making that face, it’s going to get stuck that way” being true.
TEENS: You might find yourself “embarrassed” by certain things your body is doing, when in fact, you should be ashamed.
Things that are dangerous-
-riding a motorcycle
-sharks
-riding sharks
Things I have in common with an avocado:
-If I’m just on my own I’m pretty bland
-I swing drastically and unpredictably from too hard to too soft
-I’m pleasant for only a very brief window of time
-I’m often found with chips
the $25 stuffed animal gets me every time
One of the best things about the internet is that it’s very easy to claim credit for things you had no part in. It’s one of the reasons I invented it
[Being chased by a bear in the snow]
Me: Should we hide??!Her: *putting snow on herself* make yourself as white as you can
Me *loudly* I find potato salad too spicy
Pffft. Call me when you can cut the sexual tension with a spoon.
In the summer there’s only so many clothes you can take off. On that note, please send bail money.
Not to brag on my wife but she doubled our accidental death and dismemberment insurance when I bought a chainsaw.
me: dave and i go way back. we served together for 8 years
her: oh wow. army? navy?
me: olive garden
Years ago I went to a job placement agency.
I left disappointed.
Apparently nobody offers temp work as an astronaut.
I don’t usually share cat things on Twitter. But I’ll make an exception for this.
I wish my ears would visibly lay back like a cats when I’m pissed off so people would know when to leave me the hell alone.
Gemini: Please stop touching the Amulet of Unceasing Regret. It’s not a toy.
[at restaurant]
Me: What’s under all that garnish?
Her: Nothing, it’s a salad.
Jeff is here!
“Jeff from work or Jeff the guy who announces his arrival anytime he enters a room”
Jeff is here!