Me growing up in the countryside with a car: “it’s literally insane that I have to drive 20 minutes to see a friend. I can’t wait to move to a city”
Me in a city: “okay, 78 minutes on three trains to see someone who lives 6 miles away, that seems fine”
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Go ahead and share your political views at this office party. We’re all friends here.
– alcohol
BREAKING NEWS:
Sting has been kidnapped.The Police have no lead.
My husband just informed me that he’s been driving around for the past two years with a katana and a couple of sai in his trunk. He was like “I’m sure I told you about them” and I was like you absolutely did not tell me about the mortal kombat weapons in your car
Dateline has taught me that the day I light up a room, my days are numbered.
3-year-old: Daddy, I don’t want hair that looks like yours.
Me: What does my hair look like?
3: Like stupid.
She gets her tact from me.
When I was much younger, my father giving me a sip of some Budweiser beer hoping to somehow sway me from drinking beer. All it did was teach me what beers to avoid.
Guy: I want a divorce.
Me: And who are you?
Guy: I’m your husband! We live together for 6 years!
Me: Hmm.. No way! Are you sure?
My kid asked me where babies came from and I was like “Dude, ask your Mom. I still can’t figure out why Garfield talks and Odie doesn’t.”
Pro tip: Wearing an 18th century corset really weeds out the quitters
Don’t let anyone talk you into dropping a grudge. I quit carrying mine around and I’m pretty sure that’s when my arms got flabby.
Don’t ask me if I’m participating in no nut November, call me when it’s time for Donut December
Guys what shall we call thing that impedes movement?
GUY NAMED BARRY: “How about a barry?”
GUY NAMED BARRY BARRY: “How about a barrier?”
waiting for the right context to watch oppenheimer (about 5 years from now on a 8 inch screen in an intercontinental flight)
all of my toiletries are chosen based on clearance sales, “Oh, you’re a Irish Spring man” no I’m a 3 for $5 man
Wife: You clearly have a favorite child by the way you named them.
Me: Not true. I love both equally.
Mary: Thanks Dad
Mistake: I hate you
Hey, people who leave the volume on an odd, non divisible by 5 number, how do you live with yourselves?!
I’m so tired of being jealous of my friends’ successes. It’s unhealthy and only hurts me. From now on, I’m going to focus on what’s really important: enjoying my friends’ failures.
*ball flies past
15 love
-aw thanks
*ball flies past
30 love
-too kind
*ball flies past
40 love
-you too babe
Have you played tennis before?
There’s really no good explanation when a friend sees a ruler sitting on the end table next to your bed.
‘I just call it like I see it…’ -People giving their unsolicited opinion about their unsolicited opinions.
DARTH VADER: the plans for the jeff star are complete my lord
DARTH SIDIOUS: *jeff* star?
DV: fire!
[jeff star kills like, 7 or 8 jeffs]
Bought a chicken to make sandwiches. It doesn’t. It shits on the floor.
STEP 1: Kids decorate gingerbread house.
STEP 2: Kids leave gingerbread house unattended.
STEP 3: Enter dog.
I want my headstone to have lots of typos so I can continue annoying people.
Ever notice how like 97% of people just make up statistics on here?
[the noise of everyone talking at a party randomly goes silent]
ME: i call hot dogs meat pickles
I’m only 4’11 so don’t forget to look down when reading my tweets
My goal weight is:
2020 never happened.
Somebody out there is thinking of you and the impact you have in their life. It’s not me, I think you’re an idiot.
is frankincense just very honest incense?