My mom doesn’t understand that powdered donuts are eaten over cd cases while in cars, and my friends love donuts, and that’s why. (Not blow)
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Gf: *holding my secret second phone* what the hell is this for
Me: *uses it so my screen time doesn’t say 19 hours a day* cheating
I didn’t even know my grandma had a gun until I coughed at her house.
*DJ drops the beet*
ERRYBODY IN THE CLUB begins wondering why the DJ would bring a root vegetable to work with him.
SHOPPER: which aisle has applesauce?
ME: oh, I don’t work here
*continues changing all the cheese Best If Purchased By dates to my name*
that little alien would be worth a lot more if it was in the original box, always keep the box for stuff like that
Sorry kids I missed your childhood, I was busy trying to set a strong password
my brain: i hate that person
that person: hey that thing you wrote was great
my brain: they do have a lot of redeeming qualities
absolutely not
an orca patiently sitting through a Geico commercial before it can watch a boat sinking tutorial on youtube
*thumb wrapped in giant bandage*
CW: Oh my God, what happened?
Me: Never challenge a hitchhiker to a thumb war.
Everyone compliments the jumpsuit when you wear it out—but when you get to the bathroom it’s just you and your choices
I love friendship errands, where you do a little task with a friend by your side for company, like pick up your prescription or stop at the post office or transport a ring of power to Mordor
Everyone cried at my wedding. Even the cake was in tiers.
Interviewer: What skills do you have?
Me: Mind control
Interviewer: EXCELLENT YOUVE GOT THE JOB
My spouse is “attending” a virtual conference for the next few days. To help simulate the real thing, I’ll set out a picked-over tray of mini-muffins, soggy cut fruit, and some weak coffee, and then whisk them away just as he approaches the table.
My day has been so awful I keep looking around to see if Nicolas Cage is in it.
Me: *trying to handle work crisis before I’m fully awake, phone binging with apology texts from various people*
Person on phone: I’m so sorry this landed in your lap. I missed it. They missed it. We all missed it. Now it’s your problem and…Are you…did you just…growl at me?
If you take a blue whale and lay it end to end on a basketball court, it will be really hard to play basketball.
Cartoons were better when people got anvils dropped on them and accidentally smoked dynamite like cigars.
you should be allowed to list your landlord as a dependant
“Siri, what are the side effects of Valium?” I mumbled into the tv remote.
Pregnancy test that says, “Your cart has 1 item in it”
MEN:
Developed Theory of Relatively.
Walked on the Moon.
Painted the Mona Lisa.Baffled by bra hooks.
My wife just got back from the grocery and apparently shopping for the virus includes two bags full of ice cream
One time, when the kids were teenagers,
we tried to ditch them on a family holiday.It didn’t work, unfortunately.
They found us.
“I was in so many vaginas in college my buddies called me Danpon. Anywho, tell me all your hopes and dreams.” – Me on first date/last date
throwin a party tonight
goths $5
furries $5raccoons $10 since y’all wanna be both
What kind of marriage do the people in tv ads have where one spouse surprises another with a car I mean this is a major financial decision
If Thor is a woman, what’s next? Woman doctors? Woman lawyers? Woman mothers? When will it end?
How to get ready for things :
1. Procrastinate for 5 hours
2. Panic 10 min before leaving