Got a lifetime ban from Target for spending less than $20
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The secret to a good marriage is that it’s all about give and take. Giving each other frequent back rubs and ordering lots of takeout
dinosaur: omg a meteor
tyrannosaurus clark kent: *trying really hard to remove his glasses with his stupid little arms*
Boss: How do you do under pressure?
Me: *flashbacks to time I fainted when I ended up in the middle of a dance circle at wedding* Ok I guess
If you bake, you’re a baker.
If you bake a baker, you’re a murderer.
My life is like that Rihanna song :work, work and work, and then I don’t understand anything else.
told my husband I was going to start eating healthy again and he went and bought girl scout cookies like someone who doesn’t value his life
Strangers have the best candy.
My kids still haven’t started school yet and I can’t wait to get them out of my house I mean get their education started.
My chihuahua’s basically a tiny cartel kingpin who’s scared of the rain.
And here I am – not at Coachella – again. Thank the gods.
GOD: I’ve created donuts
ANGEL: ooh they’re yummy but why the hole?
GOD:
ANGEL:
GOD:
ANGEL: because they are holy
GOD: because they are holy
I did the DNA test 23 and me. I’m 85% Hagen Dazs and only 15% Reeses! This test is bullshit!
Me, filling out a gym membership: I dropped my pen. Can I have another?
Trainer: Can’t you just pick that one up?
Me: If I were in good enough shape to go around picking up pens all willy nilly I wouldn’t be here
It’s important to listen to both sides of the debate because you need to hear both the reality of the situation and also the dumbest thing anyone’s ever said
My dad likes to come to my office & tell the receptionist he’s my parole officer in case you were wondering how I turned out like this.
KID: Hey look- it’s the guy who’s terrible at comebacks
ME: Why don’t you go cook a hot dog
“How much for this toaster?”
“An arm & a leg.”
“How about a leg & 2 fingers?”
“A leg & 3 fingers.”
“Deal!”
– Cannibal Pawn Stars
Gave my Dad a ouija board so we can keep in touch after he gave my Mom a vacuum for her birthday
ATMs should have breathalyzers
Norwegian chickens be like Bgårk
If you weren’t supposed to stab people then they wouldn’t have been made so squishy.
The inventor of the wooden spoon: this will change cooking forever
Italian Mothers: I can’t wait to hit my kids with this
Hey, remember that person you thought you couldn’t live without? Well look at you, living and shit.
My superpower is turning food and drink into larger pants.
*Walks in late to dinner*
I see fed people.
I like to skip when I’m carrying my flamethrower cause no one ever suspects a skipping girl of starting fires.
Joined WhateverCupid™️ and matched with a woman who said we should meet for coffee if I wanted to and if not that was also cool. No photo. She said to look for a woman slouched in the corner wearing sweats. It went ok. I asked if we should meet again and she said whatever.
In the 2020 Little Mermaid, Ariel decides to stay underwater.
meanwhile underwater, fish scientists continue to be baffled by rain. “it’s like the sky is pretending to be the ocean because birds are jealous of us,” said one bluefin tuna wearing a lab coat