Apparently “this house is a prison” wasn’t the right thing to say when my husband made me get out of bed this morning.
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Making out like this makes me hungry ever since I practiced kissing on my ham
Him: …
Me:…
Him: …
Me: …
Him: It’s “HAND”
Me: Say oink
There’s only a one-letter difference between heroes and herpes so I’m closer to being a role model than you thought.
[airport]
GF: I guess this is goodbye
ME: I told you, I’m not very good at goodbyes
GF: [crying] Goodbye
ME: [trying real hard] Hello
[a shark bites my arm off at the bicep]
me: “MY TATTOOS”
I asked my cat if they communicate by meowing, he didn’t answer, a couple minutes later I sneezed and he jumped off the chair looked back in disgust and meowed, I think we all know what he said…
I like to sit in the hotel hot tub with a bunch of potatoes, peas & carrots. I introduce myself as Stew.
you never realize how long a minute actually is until you’re exercising.
my daddy woke me up at 7:30am to tell me the windows were down on my car so of course i thought there was another car for me outside💀 na i really left my windows down…
WIFE: You know, you’re my best friend! Am I your best friend?
ME: [subtly exchanges knowing glance with our dog] Of course you are, sweetie
[1 of 4 car accidents caused by texting & driving]
PEOPLE: won’t be me
[1 in 292 million chance of winning powerball]
PEOPLE: you never know
My husband ordered a hearing aid off of Amazon. I’m so screwed you guys.
me: *gets vaccinated*
friend: now u can come to my wedd-
me: *gets unvaccinated*
Stranger: so what do you do?
Me: I’m in seminary
S: seminary huh? so you can’t get married?
M: nah, I can’t get married bc of my personality
ME: [movie director] Have you ridden a horse before?
ACTOR: I can pick it up as we go along
ME: We really need you on top the horse
*wife sees me crying*
Her: What’s going on?
Me: The kids gave me this
*holds up Dad Is #1 mug*
W: That’s sweet
H: Sweet? They think I’m pee!
Please don’t use the phrase, “make love,” unless you’re speaking about what you want to do to a cheeseburger.
Don’t make me out nice you.
one time i slam dunked a basketball so good we were out of school for a week people just needed time to process
My first day in hell I accidentally bump into the meteor that killed the dinosaurs in the cafeteria. Everyone gasps. Satan drops his fork.
Saw a vulture hauling a carcass across the highway. Thought of you
me (watching Predator when the Predator comes on screen): he’s not allowed near schools
gentlemen, we are gathered here today by my milkshake.
well maybe the Bible is misspelled and my angle tattoo is fine.
If I had two bathrooms I’d tell everyone someone died in one, I ain’t tryna clean two bathrooms
My 8-year-old has been explaining his video game to me since 2003
Be extra nice to retail workers this week. It’s not their fault you waited until the last minute to shop for a holiday that has fallen on the same day every year since you were born
Of course you have no regrets. Regrets are for people smart enough to know they could have done better.
Am I the most attractive woman out there ? Of course not. But do I have a good personality ? Well, no. But do I wake up every day and try to be the best person that I can be ? Also no.
Kinda crazy how the entire country can watch a hurricane destroy a city in real time now. 100 years ago it was just like, “When was the last time anyone heard from Galveston? Months? Should we send someone to check on that?”
Relationship Status: Just asked the bag of Doritos laying in bed next to me if they had enough room